Today I was on a site that contained some of the most honest and insightful views about active addiction and recovery that I have ever read. It really made me take a look at myself and realize that I haven’t been being completely honest with myself or with my posts. I’m trying to convince myself I’m more well adjusted to this new life than I really am.
Sure, at times you will see some of my personality shine through in what I’m writing. But most times I am so afraid of putting the real deal in writing for all to see, that what you get is a watered down version of my thoughts and my feelings. I was taking a look at a site called Through My Eyes: One Junkie’s Perspective and I was absolutely blown away by the honesty.
You could say that I have been inspired. How can I expect others to be brutally honest with me about their addictions if I’m not giving the same in return. I have been reading over some of my past posts and it seems like I am this happy go lucky person who is just loving every minute of life and finding recovery to be a breeze. This is very far from the truth.
I have depression which I am taking medication for, I am a stay at home mom who finds it hard to get everything done during the day that I should be doing, I’m finding I have some social anxiety that I used to self medicate with drugs and alcohol…now what? There are tons of issues that I am going to start getting into with my blog posts.
If I hadn’t come across the site that I saw today I don’t know how long it would have taken me to come to this conclusion on my own. I’ve always been kind of a less than honest person especially during times of use. I was truly convinced that all of the things that I don’t like about myself would magically go away once I wasn’t abusing drugs. I was wrong.
I’m out of the “pink cloud” stage of my recovery and into the “gray”. It’s about time I was honest with myself about that.