When we were in active addiction we couldn’t see ourselves for what we were until the very end when we finally surrendered and asked for help.
No matter what others would tell us about how we looked or acted we somehow rationalized it as them having a problem… not us.
Having an active addict in your family forces you to look close up at addiction but through an outside view. For this recovering addict, watching an active addict is torture.
In the past I have talked about how my brother is an addict and how horrible it was to watch. Then I talked about my brother finally giving in and seeking help and how much of a relief that was. Now here I am unfortunately talking about how my brother has let himself slip back to his old addictive ways (although he won’t admit it to anyone yet.)
You would think that the fact that I’m a recovering addict would make it easier for me to understand a fellow addict slipping back into active addiction… WRONG. I guess it makes me less understanding because I know that it doesn’t have to be that way.
I see him trying to hide this and that from everyone. I see him lying, skimming money, avoiding eye contact and basically becoming a dickhead who I want to kick the shit out of (a little pent up anger or what?). But what jumps into my mind every time that I look at him is that I’m looking at someone that gave in and took that first pill.
I understand that once that is done, there is pretty much no controlling yourself. I understand that better than most. But what I can’t understand is why you would do it that first time. You know where it is going to end up… you’ve been there before. Do you think somehow this will end differently than in the past?
Seeing where he has led himself has cemented the fact in my mind that I will never put myself in that situation again. I will not allow my addiction to trick me into thinking I can just do it once. I can’t. At least I have gotten that much out of this situation right?