As time marches on in my addiction recovery I can happily say that the lingering negative consequences of my addiction are becoming few and far between. Occasionally I do have to deal with a situation that was set in motion as a direct result of my drug use.
So why do I bring this up? Well later this afternoon I have to report to court to deal with a monetary matter that I let get completely out of hand while in the haze of drug use. Is it weird to say that I’m looking forward to going?
Now obviously when I say that I’m looking forward to appearing in court…I’m not talking about entertainment purposes. This issue happens to be one of the few remaining issues that I have hanging over my head. I am looking forward to getting some sort of resolution to it.
There was a time in my addiction that I would run endlessly from situations like this. That was made easier with the help of drugs. I would live in complete denial of just about all of my responsibilities. I could have nipped this situation in the bud but I decided to evade the situation instead.
Sure, the summer before last I had received a summons to court in the mail. But, my junkie logic told me that since I wasn’t served with the summons…I wasn’t forced to appear. That wasn’t really the best course of action that I could have taken. So now, here I am over a year later still dealing with the same situation. Which, since I didn’t appear at the original court date, now takes place in criminal court.
Here is the difference between now and then. Now, I no longer have it in me to live in such denial. I’m not using drugs anymore so to numb my fear and anxiety is a lot tougher now. That leaves me with one logical choice…facing a situation head on.
I have known about this court date since about June of this year. There have been times when I have caught my mind dreading this day. My mind would think of all the “what if’s” and my body would literally go into panic mode.
I finally realized what I was doing. I was dreading a future situation even though I had no idea what the future holds. Even though I had been working so hard for months to learn how to stay in the day…I wasn’t doing it. It was after that realization that it occurred to me that there is nothing I can do to change how this court date is going to go. The damage is already done, it cannot be changed. I just need to go deal with it.
It was after that realization that I began to just let go of the worrying. If it popped in my head I would just tell myself, there is nothing I can do about it…stop thinking about it. And that is just what I did. I’m not living in denial but I’m also not allowing myself to obsess about it.
This goes on my list for one more of those things that I never thought I could deal with without the use of drugs…I was wrong. I’m dealing with it, and dealing with it well.