Addiction Recovery: I Think Too Much

February 11, 2010 — 1 Comment

Have you ever caught yourself thinking to yourself about all of the things about yourself that need to be changed and worked on and just aren’t right? I have, but lately I have been telling myself to shut it.

You Don’t Make Your Bed – You’re Such A Loser!
A couple of weeks ago I noticed that I was driving myself crazy. I would be doing something kind of mindless like folding laundry and I would realize that I was almost giving myself an anxiety attack by letting my thoughts quickly float over all of the things that are wrong in my life.

I’m not talking serious things either. These thoughts start off with things like: You forgot to brush your teeth before bed last night, what is wrong with you? These thoughts eventually roll into the bigger issues in my life like spending too much money, not being a better cook, being not so great as a house wife…stuff like that.

This wasn’t the first time that I noticed myself doing it but it was the first time that I put a stop to it. I decided that beating myself up over these things was not going to help in any way. It was just going to make me feel bad about myself.

Once I start to feel down about myself I allow myself to be preoccupied with the past and all of the shitty things I’ve done. I play them over and over in my head. It’s ridiculous but that’s the way it goes. I guess that falls into the addictive thinking category.

Cut The Shit
Finally I caught on to what I was doing and I have put a stop to it. I was beating myself up for no reason. I realized that if I put someone else in my shoes and thought about their life, I wouldn’t get so down on them. I would empathize with them…why wasn’t I doing that with myself.

A couple of weeks ago I talked about having peace of mind. I’m happy to say that I’ve been able to hold on to that peace of mind even though my life hasn’t been close to perfect lately. There aren’t any huge, huge problems it’s basically what everyone bitches about.

Living situation isn’t optimal and the money situation down right sucks but in spite of these things I am walking around humming to myself or smiling for no real reason. I have peace of mind.

When I find myself even beginning to think a negative thought about myself I instantly stop. I consciously make an effort to think a positive thought. Do you guys remember Stewart from Saturday Night Live? “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it people like me.” Ok, so it’s not as corny as that but pretty close.

I guess when I was using I would just shut off those internal thoughts by getting high. Everything seemed great when I was high and I could avoid thinking bad thoughts about myself. Kind of funny that while doing something wrong I was able to be content with myself but when I’m actually trying to do the right things I beat myself up…kinda screwy.

And…Back To My Happy Place
Happiness and peace of mind is an internal thing. You can’t wait for external things to bring you happiness or you’ll be waiting for ever. You don’t have to wait until you have that perfect job, or you have that perfect house, or that perfect amount of money in your bank account. You can have peace of mind right now.

I took about a week away from posting anything and really doing anything on the site. It’s not because I was feeling this way or that way but just because I wanted to take a vacation from the normal things I do. It was the unofficial last week of summer and I decided that I was going to concentrate on having fun with my husband and son.

I’m glad to be back to posting though. Like the title of this post says I do think too much but now I’m trying to police my thoughts and not allow those negative things to take up so much room in my head.

Do I sound like a self help book?

One response to Addiction Recovery: I Think Too Much

  1. I always think too much, over thinking the good things just as well the bad. I try to use this trait in a positive manner in my recovery since I have long given up trying to change my nature. Nothing more than the serenity prayer; if I find myself thinking about something I walk myself through the possible steps I have the power to perform. If they exist, and the problem still seems worth the effort, then I have my new path. If there is nothing I can personally do… well then that”s both the easiest and hardest part of the equation!

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