It’s been just about two years clean for me and still I struggle with feelings and emotions. I often wonder what I’m doing wrong. Why do feelings still bother me so much? Why do I tend to keep things in even though I KNOW that it’s harmful to me? What the fuck am I so afraid of?
I think there was a time early on in my recovery when I just let everything fly. If I was feeling something I acknowledged it, found some way of getting it out… and I moved on. What happened? Something must have happened along the way to get me back into the mindset that I need to be keeping my feelings and emotions inside and not letting anyone know I’m bothered. I didn’t see this happening.
A big party of my early recovery was this blog. Looking back at my older posts I can actually see my ups and downs right there in black and white. I feel like I was willing to be way more open and honest back then. But I realize as I’m typing this that I am… typing this. So I guess that’s a start right?
Why, why… why? I don’t understand why I’m so reserved when it comes to showing my emotions and expressing my feelings. What do I think I’ll gain from that? Cause at the moment I can tell you that all I get is internal anxiety and agitation. That’s never good.
I’ve begun isolating myself from people because I feel like I’m holding out on them when they say “hey how’s everything going?” and I say “great”. I know, I know… all of these things have the making of a relapse. I guess that’s why I’m working towards making changes now before it gets that far.
I KNOW that no one is perfect and if someone else was to come to me with the same problems that I have I wouldn’t judge them. I would tell them to stop being so hard on themselves and remind them that they are not a bad person. So why is it that I have such a hard time telling myself that? I guess that’s something I should look a little closer at right?