It’s been just about two years clean for me and still I struggle with feelings and emotions. I often wonder what I’m doing wrong. Why do feelings still bother me so much? Why do I tend to keep things in even though I KNOW that it’s harmful to me? What the fuck am I so afraid of?
I think there was a time early on in my recovery when I just let everything fly. If I was feeling something I acknowledged it, found some way of getting it out… and I moved on. What happened? Something must have happened along the way to get me back into the mindset that I need to be keeping my feelings and emotions inside and not letting anyone know I’m bothered. I didn’t see this happening.
A big party of my early recovery was this blog. Looking back at my older posts I can actually see my ups and downs right there in black and white. I feel like I was willing to be way more open and honest back then. But I realize as I’m typing this that I am… typing this. So I guess that’s a start right?
Why, why… why? I don’t understand why I’m so reserved when it comes to showing my emotions and expressing my feelings. What do I think I’ll gain from that? Cause at the moment I can tell you that all I get is internal anxiety and agitation. That’s never good.
I’ve begun isolating myself from people because I feel like I’m holding out on them when they say “hey how’s everything going?” and I say “great”. I know, I know… all of these things have the making of a relapse. I guess that’s why I’m working towards making changes now before it gets that far.
I KNOW that no one is perfect and if someone else was to come to me with the same problems that I have I wouldn’t judge them. I would tell them to stop being so hard on themselves and remind them that they are not a bad person. So why is it that I have such a hard time telling myself that? I guess that’s something I should look a little closer at right?
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Sounds like you need to start opening up and talking. Other than this site do you keep a journal? Maybe sharing that or this site with a trusted friend would help. You don’t want it to start affecting your family and friends. I know all too well how “shuting up” can lead to loss of those around you. much luck kid!
There is nothing new under the sun. We all have some sort of boogie man on our shoulders. In AA we do a fourth, fifth,and sixth step. Tell a sponsor or minister or therapist, why else would you use but for those feelings. I believe once we get straight its all between the ears!!! Habits of thinking. Go to meetings and open up alittle more each time, sometimes I get excited just to see how much more I open up. you will to!!! It always gets better. lol Ed