Backsliding or Human Imperfection?

June 23, 2008 — 7 Comments

I think that although I appear to be very easy going I am actually much harder on myself than what is needed. I feel that every so often I lose sight of the fact that to have imperfections is to be human.

Sure, I can tell you that you should ease up on yourself because after all… you’re just a person and as we all know, no one is perfect. So why is it that when I see myself slip up here and there (not in my sobriety.. just everyday kind of things) that I right away jump to the fact that I must be backsliding into my old ways?

Why am I not easier and more understanding with myself?

I guess at this stage of my recovery I feel that being very rigid with myself about certain things is the only way that I will make it.

I feel that I cannot trust myself to just get done what needs to get done without being on a strict schedule or living by certain rules because in the past… that never worked.

I’m afraid of slipping back to that place where I am so lax with myself that I choose the easy way out of every single situation I’m faced with no matter how it affects others or how it makes me look. That of course left me feeling bad and you know what happens when I feel bad on a consistent basis right?

7 responses to Backsliding or Human Imperfection?

  1. I know exactly what you mean, every mistake you make or every time you slip, you start thinking if it’s your disease that is in control or is it just normal n happens with everyone, second guessing yourself and sometimes being extra cautious or unforgiving with yourself is just natural after the terrible mess that you got in during your addiction days, you are just really afraid of being where were in active addiction, you hate that and never want it back. To me, it sounds like it is a positive fear and should keep it in yourself but in moderation

  2. I have that disease called perfection. But being aware is half the battle. It is great to see you have so much insight.

  3. I loved this topic because it is me. I’m in the music industry and i have repeatedly relapse not because of lack of care but putting myself in code red situations. But music is my love, true love since a child and i’ve accomplished a record deal and distribution for my talent.but im hard on myself and cant just go with the flow im always tryin to be more than i really am. i need help as well

  4. dont become hard on yourself. even genius things come from imperfections. Think about it most of the discoveries come from accidents think about it

  5. It’s funny Pat – to hear you say that I have insight. I don’t consider myself to be that insightful. I’m always trying to be… maybe that’s what it’s all about right?

    It is great to receive comments from others saying that they can identify with me on this. That way I don’t feel like such a lunatic.

  6. I’m with you all, i seem to want to get better but i find my self sliding back into old ways far to fast.then i spend the next while feeling like a failure,doing more drugs.bad bad girl.thank good i always have you all to pull me out of it. thanks for the advice it realy works.words are powerfull.

  7. I think if you are “in recovery” from addiction then the old adage that a day sober (or clean and sober if you prefer, whatever – I apply sober meaning more like of sober mind, requiring lack of substances to even approach) is a good day. If I lay on my wide behind criticizing the state of the nation and I don’t use then that’s great. I’m serious. Reasoning behind this is that I will probably do one of two things.. get so sick of myself I either use (which is my truth of what my brain wants at all times anyway – so this is what we battle.) or I eventually take action that supports growth and sobriety. But any time I pick up.. for me.. I have unleashed a set of horsemen that might take a day or a decade to return from. I give a prayer to those who have not come back as I am aware this is not a choice and you are as much a victim as one who dies of cancer. I know the most loving people who died loaded against their will so that’s my conclusion. We who survive should just focus on staying sober each day and the rest is all bullshit.

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