What Winners Do - An Addiction Recovery Blog » addictive thinking

One of THOSE Days…Getting Through Tough Days In Recovery

Erin — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 03:39:12 +0000

So, you know THOSE type of days. Everything that could go wrong does go wrong down to the tiny things like driving away from the drive through to realize that they gave you a flavored iced coffee instead of the coffee flavored iced coffee that you wanted and needed...desperately.

So on a day when all those little things combined with a few big things start to pile up, how do you get through? That is, how do you get through with out the old standby solution of smoking or drinking or snorting your troubles away...for a little while.A while ago I had written about the lingering consequences of addiction that can show up in our recovery. My particular lingering consequence has to do with me going to court because of some money that I owe. Not an outrageous amount but an amount big enough that I can't just pay it all right away.

Today was a follow up court date. Fine, not the end of the world. I'll go and sit in a court house all day and have the security lady be rude to me even though I was nice as pie, and I'll have some weirdo guy that stinks like booze sit next to me and want to strike up a conversation about ? I have no idea and I'll...well you name the little annoying thing and I went through it today.

I get it...I owe money, the creditors had to take me to court to get my money and I shouldn't expect my time in a court house to be like a day at the spa.

I also understand that my trip to the court had put me in a less than jovial mood causing every other little daily annoyance to be magnified leaving me shaking my head about 30 times today wondering...WTF?

Then I realized something. Even though I was shaking my head asking WTF, I was a little amused about just how bad everything was going. I realized that today was one of those days where you just hang on and wait for it to be over.

I didn't try to change the feelings this day was causing inside of me by going and getting effed up. I also didn't try to use this day as a justification to shirk my responsibilities and run back to bed with a "headache". Nope, I just realized what was going on and I hung on for dear life.

I don't have enough money to fix one of my cars, my car payment is late by a couple of days because of something that came up needing a large amount of money asap, I had to go to court today, I ate an egg sandwich for dinner tonight because that's all I had in the house and I won't have money to buy food until tomorrow.

But you know what? I made it through today without using any mood altering substances to change the way I was feeling. I feel my mood improving and I feel good knowing that today is over. Tomorrow is a new day and nothing that happened today has any real effect on how I feel tomorrow. Life is good.

Accept The Things I Cannot Change

Erin — Sat, 29 May 2010 01:42:56 +0000

I was thinking about the part of the serenity prayer that says "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change".

Now, I'm not going to try and fool you into thinking that I go to NA/AA meetings all the time by talking the talk.

But, I do want to point out that there are a lot of things that I took away from my time in NA/AA that I find useful in my everyday life.

One of the things that I feel that I've struggled with has been the whole accepting the things I cannot change. Rationally I know the importance of this acceptance but I have struggled to take that rational thought and put it to use in my life.

That was until I heard myself telling my son "you do what you can, the very best that you can, and that is all you can do". Boom! How simple. But could it truly be that simple to accept the things I cannot change?

What I've come to realize over the past week or so is that depending upon the situation you are faced with, it is to be expected that you are going to struggle over the possibility of whether or not you can change something.

There are some cut and dry type things like due to an unexpected expense, like your car needing work, you find yourself with a very small budget for the week. Out of this very small budget you need to be able to get gas and feed your family.

There isn't anything you can do about the money you find yourself with for the week. That is the part of the equation that you cannot change. What you can do is to do your very best to spend that money wisely until you find yourself in a better situation money wise.

In this situation it would do you no good to get mad or sad about your budget. By getting mad or sad you are not at all changing the outcome of how much money you have for the week. So you accept the situation the way it is. The only thing that you have control over is how you deal with it.

In life you run into situations that make this money situation look like a day in the park. It is in those situations where it is completely appropriate to struggle with accepting the things you cannot change.

Just as a for instance, a while back I was faced with the situation of having a sibling that was in active addiction. He hadn't admitted to himself that there was a problem and certainly was not at the point of accepting help.

That situation left me struggling with the idea that ultimately I couldn't do anything to change it. I had to accept it, ride it out, do what I could with what I was left with and wait for it to play out. It was hard but I did it...I had no choice in the matter.

Now, all in all, the two situations I explained had the same components:

Being faced with a situation
Examining the situation to see if you can have any effect on the overall outcome
Accepting the situation for what it is and doing the very best that you can to deal with it in a healthy way

I now feel that by putting the "accept the things I cannot change" to use in even the smallest of situations in life I am learning a thought process that will allow me to lead a more peaceful life.

In the future when faced with a more complicated situation I'm hoping that because of practice I will better be able to spot and accept the things that I cannot change.

How Watching TV Taught Me To Delay Instant Gratification

Erin — Mon, 17 May 2010 22:35:32 +0000

This is going to sound bizarre but I realized that watching TV has taught me how to delay instant gratification.

In a world where everything is available NOW, it's no wonder that we grow to expect things right now. That includes our gratification.

What I realized this morning while I was thinking about my absolute most favorite show of all time, Lost, is that even the way I watch TV has changed since entering addiction recovery. So let me tell you how TV has taught me to delay instant gratification.

Like I said, Lost is my favorite show. There are a lot of shocks and surprised on the show and it always leaves you wanting more. That's why when I was in active addiction and was in my full blown addictive thinking mode I wouldn't watch Lost on TV because I couldn't stand having to wait a whole week to find out what was going to happen.

In normal addictive fashion I would rather go without Lost while it was on TV and would rather wait for the current season to come out on DVD. I guess it's the same as an alcoholic being able to turn down a beer when they know that they can't have more than one in their current situation. They would rather wait until they can drink as much as they want... ya that's it.

Once the current Lost DVD was released I would watch them as quickly as possible. One right after another. First disc boom, second disc boom, third disc boom... done, left wanting more.

This season I decided to try a different approach to my Lost episodes. I decided to take my time and enjoy the season with all it's cliffhangers, plot twits and suspense. Sure, each Thursday night when the credits role I am left wanting more but it's a good feeling.

These are the little situations in my life that show me that I really am coming a long way on my road of recovery. Sometimes the changes can feel like epiphanies or they can happen so naturally that they go undetected. Either way... they are happening.

And that is the story of how watching TV taught me to delay my urge for instant gratification.

Being Present: The Importance Of Staying In The Moment

Erin — Wed, 12 May 2010 20:42:02 +0000

If you are familiar with addiction recovery, you know that living life one day at a time is a major part of a successful recovery.

I'm here to say that in order to be happy, healthy, and have a little peace of mind in life you need to not only live one day at a time...you need to begin being present. Learn to stay in the moment.

When was the last time that you sat down to eat a meal and actually concentrated on the act of eating? Usually we are doing other things besides just eating that take our minds miles away from what we are actually doing. We're not staying in the moment...we're somewhere else.

How many times have you sat down to read something just to realize that you haven't actually been absorbing the last few paragraphs that you just read because you were preoccupied with past thoughts? For me, it used to happen quite often.

If you think about it, all of our thoughts are made up of either our memories or our imaginations. So basically we are either remembering something or imagining something. It can be hard to rein either of those thought processes in...but it can be done.

The act of taking control of our thinking and our internal dialog is what allows us to be present and stay in the moment. It takes some practice but once you are even aware of your internal dialog...you are on your way.

Remember this important fact, you are never going to stop your mind from wandering. Don't set yourself up for an expectation that will not come to fruition. Are minds are wanderers...that's just the way it goes.

What you can start to do is train yourself to bring your thoughts back to the present moment once you have realized that they have wandered.

Start with something simple like brushing your teeth:

Think about how the toothpaste looks as it is coming out of the tube and you are putting it on your brush
Notice what the toothpaste first feels like as it touches your mouth
What does it taste like?
What does the brush feel like going over your teeth?
How does the brush feel in your hand?
What sensation do you get to know that it is time to spit?
What does the water feel like while you are rinsing your mouth?

Boom! You have just stayed in the moment while brushing your teeth. Your mind may have wandered here and there but once you realized it, you brought your thoughts back to what you were doing.

So, how does staying in the moment while brushing your teeth benefit you? It's a way of training yourself in the art of being present. After learning how to stay in the moment during mundane situations you can begin to apply this thinking to bigger and better things.

What you will find is that you'll begin to be aware of negative self talk, of replaying bad situations in your head, and of worrying about the unknown. Once you are aware of these things...you can stop them.

Stopping this type of thinking in it's tracks will leave you with the opportunity for a little peace of mind. Peace of mind is the most beneficial gift that someone allows themselves in life...in my opinion.

Addictive Thinking: People Watching Is Your Mind Projecting

Erin — Sun, 09 May 2010 19:53:43 +0000

Have you ever caught yourself judging people that you are seeing for the first time, say in a crowd. While you are people watching you are actually projecting yourself, good or bad, onto others. When you have doubts about yourself or things that you don't like about yourself...you see the same in others. This is because the doubts in yourself are actually based upon guilt and projection is a way for your ego to cast your guilt onto others.

Let me first start out by giving you my meaning of people watching. I'm not talking about the kind of people watching where you sit and take in the goodness of everyone and admire the way people are dressed, things like that. I'm talking about people watching where you rip people to shreds mentally (or out loud depending on present company). Where you judge people based on a 30 second viewing of them.

Why do I bring this up? Well I had the pleasure of going with my family to Disney World. As you can imagine, there is a huge crowd of people just about everywhere you turn. What I noticed about myself this time compared to my other experiences in crowds is that I didn't focus all of my energy on the people around me. I actually focused on myself and my family and I had a great time.

How Is Judging Others Related To Projection?

It seems that whatever it is I'm feeling bad about myself about at the moment is the very thing I judge others on. It could be that I gained a few pounds, stopped going to the gym and that has caused some guilt within myself. I'm not doing everything I can to live a healthy life. Instead of dealing with that guilt I stuff it down, it comes out in the form of me calling someone else out on their unhealthy lifestyle. I rip someone apart (in my head) for being a little flabby around the mid-section or sweating profusely from just walking...things like that. This is just an example but you can see how it would go.

I know someone who whenever we are out at a restaurant or around others while eating, they start making comments about people shoving food in their mouths or being professional eaters...stuff like that. Sometimes it's a little funny but mostly it makes me think about how this person I know really feels about themselves. Obviously they are projecting their guilt about their eating habits onto others.

How Does Projection Relate To Addictive Thinking?

I firmly believe that while we are sitting and judging others because of projection we are also exhibiting a form of isolation. If we pick someone apart that we have never met we are making it almost impossible for us to have any kind of connection with them. What have we learned in addiction recovery? Connecting with human beings is a huge part of our recovery.

Therefor eliminating human connection would fall in line with our addictive thinking behaviors that we are trying so hard to modify.

What Changed For Me?

How is it that now I can be in a huge crowd like the one at Disney World and not be preoccupied with judging people around me? I think it has something to do with me expressing my feelings more. I have talked openly with people about certain things that make me feel bad about myself. I don't bottle it all up anymore and take it out on other innocent people in the form of snap judgments.

There was a time where I would have a hard time even enjoying a movie at the movie theater because without fail I would find someone in the theater doing something that would catch my attention and that person, not the movie, would become my main focus. I couldn't enjoy myself because I was busy judging the actions of someone else.

I will admit that although I people watch substantially less often than I used to...I still catch myself doing it. What I try to do is just like any other behavior modification, recognize I'm doing it and put a stop to it immediately. I usually say to myself something along the lines of "it's tough being perfect isn't it" or "imagine what they could be saying about you". Something that let's myself know just how stupid this thinking and behavior is.

My Ability to Share My Feelings is Dwindling

Erin — Wed, 05 May 2010 18:38:36 +0000

I'm sitting here thinking: what happened to the girl that would sit in a room full of strangers and talk about her problems and inner thoughts? Even as uncomfortable as it would feel sometimes, I would be completely honest about what was going on inside of me with strangers. So why am I finding it harder and harder to talk to anyone these days?

Hmmmmm. Secrets, secrets, secrets... they do a number on you. Not too long ago I wrote a post about how we are only as sick as our secrets. In that post I talked about how fucked up my family was with all their secrets and how I wasn't going along with that anymore. So what happened?

For me it started with that familiar voice inside my head that says "you know, I'm just not going to deal with this right now". Like anything is ever that easy right? Something is making me feel bad and I say... "naaaa, I'm just going to put that aside". Never a good idea. It doesn't work.

So now instead of having the normal amount of problems for the day, I have a back up of problems from days past that weren't addressed. Do you mean to say that living in denial of problems DOESN'T make them go away? Who would have thunk it? Silly, silly Erin.

It's not like my problems are any different from anyone else's out there. So why do I think that I will be judged negatively if I talk about them? Marriage, family, money... we all pretty much got the same shit going on right? Sure things get complicated and a little messy but that is life. You make mistakes, you get lost, you find yourself again and that is pretty much the pattern you follow throughout life.

I gotta start remembering that life is like baseball, errors are expected. It's ok... there is no perfection to strive for. I'm not a bad person because I make mistakes and I should feel comfortable talking about those mistakes with others.

Yeah... I'm working on it.

Addictive Thinking: Instant Gratification

Erin — Mon, 03 May 2010 18:17:54 +0000

In Addiction Recovery we must learn to get rid of the addictive thinking which tells us that instant gratification is the only kind of gratification we want or need. Have you ever heard of the saying "Time takes time"?

In this world we are so used to expecting everything RIGHT NOW that anything else seems unacceptable. This is where addicts can run into problems. We want to feel good now. If that isn't occurring by itself then we would usually take some sort of mood altering substance to guarantee instant results.

My need for instant gratification was just as strong as any other addicts. The best example I can give of this is when I have cravings to use. I start to feel completely uncomfortable and the urge seems overwhelming...until it passes.

When I was actively addicted to Oxycontin I used to combat a craving by using. Sure, that got rid of the craving but it would push me further and further down into my addictive life. So for this scenario I found that instant gratification was no longer an option.

When starting in addiction recovery, waiting for a craving to pass was probably one of the first times in my life that I did not seek out instant gratification. I would get a craving and I would actually weigh out my options. Sure, I could get rid of the craving by taking some sort of mood altering substance which would then go against everything that I have been working towards and possibly lead me right back to the horrible addictive cycle I just got out of...or I could wait and see what happens.

I obviously chose the latter. I waited... and you know what? The bad feeling went away. Not only did I feel good again, I felt great because I had used good judgment and I had stood my ground against my addictive thinking. So even though my gratification was not instant, it was better than what it would have been if I had given into my craving.

After finding out that instant gratification isn't always the right answer, I started to apply this to other scenarios in my life. I credit this for making me a much calmer and more easy going person. If more people, addicts or not, would try and cut down on their need for instant gratification I think that people as a whole would benefit.

It's AWE...wait for it, wait for it...SOME. See waiting wasn't so bad.

Fortune Teller or Fellow Recovering Addict?

Erin — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 15:45:37 +0000

You know how you file each blog post under a category? Well I was going to post something and thought that I would make a category named "personal".

Ooh, a personal category. That's where I could put all the stories about my life. Wait a minute...isn't this whole site about my life? It's personal really. Wouldn't I therefore have to put everything I wrote under personal?

I guess I'll skip that category. But this did bring up a nice reminder that I would like to share with you. Everything that I'm writing about on this site really is my life. I'm no fortune teller...we're just all in the same boat.

When you are seeing a post talking about how to make yourself feel better...that's because I have been in the situation where I needed to learn how to make myself feel better. I write about it as documentation for myself to use the next time it happens and also so that others may benefit from what I've already struggled through.

When I write a post about the lingering consequences of addiction...that's because I have these lingering consequences and I need to talk about them. I need to get support so that I can do the right thing and so I don't just shirk my responsibilities like that little voice in my head wants me to. You know the one, I think it's name is...addiction.

When you see a post that is explaining how to get back to the basics of addiction recovery you can bet that even though I'm not telling you a specific story about my life or I'm not telling you that I need improvement in this area...the post is about me. By writing out the steps I should be taking it somehow makes it easier to do.

And yes...when you are reading a post that deals with the warning signs of relapse you can be sure that I needed to hear those warning sings as a reminder of what to be on the look out for. I'm in recovery. No matter how well I write or how knowledgeable I am on the subject it doesn't change the fact that I'm just like you, going through recovery experiencing both the good and the bad.

Every post I am writing is either telling you in an upfront way about what it is I'm experiencing at the moment or it is a way for me to share what I have already gone through. This site is a way of me helping others by helping myself...nothing more, nothing less.

Gotta Stay Honest

Erin — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 15:11:47 +0000

I have a tendency to want tell people what they want to hear. Not only will I just tell someone what they want to hear but I'll go so far as to cover up my true feelings in order to feel the way someone else wants me to feel. What the hell is that?

I don't know when I started doing this or why I started doing this but I do know that I'm going to STOP doing this. It's making me pretty miserable. And for what? Why would I choose to do this to myself? I have no answer to that.

I think a lot of people try to keep things on an even keel in their life. That could be where this whole thing originated in myself. I felt like I had fucked up so many things for so many people for so long that I just try to make everyone happy now. It's sounds pretty ridiculous when I see it written down.

I deserve happiness just like anyone else. I'm tired of pretending that I'm happy when I'm not. I gotta be completely honest, lay things on the line and just see what happens I guess. If not, I'm going to end up living a life that someone else wants me to live and not the one that was meant for me. I'll be no good to anyone if I do that.

I also think that it's important that my kid see that there is real happiness in life... not just a life that is kept on an even keel for the benefit of everyone else. We make our own choices in life and for a long time now I have been choosing unhappiness. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm not going to do that anymore.

"Change happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go." - James Thurber

That Old Addictive Thinking

Erin — Wed, 21 Apr 2010 13:52:56 +0000

You know the saying "Don't judge your insides based on someone else's outside"? Basically meaning don't get down on yourself because you don't measure up to what you PERCEIVE someone else's life to be based on appearances. Why do I find myself doing that?

Logically I know that "you can't judge a book by the cover" (I guess I'm trying to see just how many stupid sayings I can fit into this post) but sometimes I find myself reading a fellow addicts blog entries and wondering why I'm not as put together as them or why they seem to be adjusting more easily to their recovery.

I have never been the type that tries to "keep up with the Joneses" (the spelling of that doesn't look right but you know what I mean) when it comes to my possessions or my lifestyle. I know for a fact that things are not always what they seem. Meaning just because someone has great clothes, has a great house and drives a very nice car, it doesn't mean that they have a problem free existence or even that they are happy.

So why is it then, that when I'm reading a blog entry where an addict or alcoholic is talking about their recovery and how great they are doing, how blessed they are and how grateful they are that I begin to wonder what I'm doing wrong.

Then I catch myself using this old way of thinking (stinking thinking) and I tell myself that I can't be comparing myself to others, it will get me no where. What I need to do is look at myself and if there are areas that I think need improvement, I should improve them.

I know that it's not just addicts and alcoholics that fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others but I think we all know the outcome can be a little more severe for us than for others.