This insanity is all a part of our addictive thinking. It is this thought process that is our real obstacle, more so than using the actual substance. Addictive thinking is what we are trying to recover from. Since we went through the detox we already recovered from the particular drug or the alcohol that we were using at the time. I think this is the part that most people just don't understand that well.

We have to keep these thoughts in check. When I have one of these type of addictive thoughts I can identify it as being a crock of shit. I actually get a chuckle at myself. It's like my brain is trying to get one over on me. It's just bazaar. But for now it is something that I have to accept and be on the lookout for to avoid relapse.

More outrageous thoughts to come...stayed tuned.

Related posts:

1. Trying to White Knuckle it
2. I’m a Drug Addict Not a Journalist
3. The Four Symptoms Of Addiction…To Anything

I know that I can't do this by myself. I need to be a part of something bigger than myself to make this work. I have already tried my way and it didn't get me anywhere accept addicted to drugs. Since I have already accepted the fact that I can't do it alone, I've accepted a higher power. The higher power being narcotics anonymous.

Being part of a group that shares their wisdom and struggles with me is my higher power right now. Having a fellowship that shows me the way to a successful life in recovery is what I need and what I depend on. I heard a man say how thankful he was for the group, he said "my way got me here, your way keeps me here". I thought that was a pretty powerful statement.

When you accept something as being greater than yourself such as narcotics anonymous or alcoholics anonymous you have accepted your higher power. Who knows, maybe someday I will have belief in a God. I never say never.

Related posts:

1. Hello Higher Power, Nice Talking To You
2. Have You Ever Relapsed?
3. Hey Look at My Narcotics Anonymous Key Tag, I’m a Drug Addict

Everyone has their own story and my story isn't really that much different. There was a long time between me realizing that I was addicted to drugs and me telling anyone else that I was addicted to drugs. I guess that is how it goes though. Once you are able to truly admit that you have an addiction problem and you need help, you can be on your way to recovery.

For anyone who isn't familiar with a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, if you choose to share with the group you raise your hand and then it's your turn you introduce yourself. I say "hi, my name is blah blah and I'm an addict". It just goes to show that even the littlest things about these meetings are helpful. Admitting out loud to a group of people that you are an addict is very powerful.

When I first began in recovery sometimes I believed myself when I introduced myself as an addict and sometimes I didn't. I would go in and out of being in touch with my problem. Sometimes I really "got it", those were great times. I felt I got the most benefit out of NA meetings during those times. Sometimes I didn't "get it", those were not so great times. I would sit and think about how in the future I would be able to use this or that again because I didn't really have a problem, I was just saying I did because that was what I was supposed to do. I was basically daydreaming about controlling my use.

Finally at one of my meetings I shared what was going on with me. How I didn't always think of myself as an addict how sometimes I just don't "get it" the same as other times. I looked around as I was speaking and I saw a lot of people nodding their head, smiling and some kind of chuckling. It dawned on me that these people also shared these same feelings in their early recovery. They knew exactly what I was talking about because this is what addicts go through. I felt such relief. There advice to me was so simple, "keep coming back".

That is what I do, I keep coming back. I do what the winners do.

Related posts:

1. A Recovering Addict Helplessly Watching An Active Addict
2. Just Raise Your Hand
3. A Recovering Addict Watching An Active Addict… It’s Torture

I had went into it in more detail when I wrote my story but one of the things that I would abuse was over the counter sleep aids. I cannot be the only recovering addict that has done this. I would load up on them and then just get knocked out. Anyone?

I realize that being in early recovery I am a little more sensitive to these kinds of things. I just found it kind of shocking and a little naive for someone running an addiction website, which claims to have doctors answering questions by the way, to have a huge add for a sleep aid. It just goes to show how powerful the almighty dollar really is. Have you no souls?

Related posts:

1. Making Postive Changes In Addiction Recovery
2. Downer Junkie Asks:How Am I Supposed to Sleep?
3. Relapse: It Snuck Up On Me?

I thought I would have a hard time thinking of something to write...was I ever wrong! Recording my thoughts in a journal is really a great tool for myself in my recovery. I had started when I was still in an institution going through detox. I wrote down exactly how it felt physically and mentally. For me, the point of doing that was so that I could never forget. I can never convince myself that I'm not really an addict or that I'm making it out to be more serious than it really was. I have it written in ink exactly what was going on and the fact that I honestly could not get myself to look into a mirror until I was there about 4 days because I was so disgusted with myself. People that don't have a problem wouldn't have those feelings.

I try to keep up with my journal daily. At first when I was completely lost in my sober life I wrote in that journal a few times a day. It kept me sane. Just like you feel better right after you speak at a narcotics anonymous or alcoholics anonymous meeting or when you get out of your therapists office, you feel better after you write your feelings down. It acts as a way to make sure you are not bottling your feelings up anymore.

Related posts:

1. Why Have An Addiction Recovery Blog?
2. I’m Not an Addict, I’m Chemically Challenged
3. Who is My Higher Power

Let me start out by saying that I am a huge fan of Amy Winehouse's music. I absolutely love her style and feel that in the world of today's music, it is very unique.

What is not unique is Amy Winehouse's addiction problems. She has been on a downward spiral for a long time which included an attempt to enter a rehab facility in August of 2007. That attempt at recovery lasted about three days and obviously had no lasting effect. So will January 24th's check in to rehab be any different than the last?

Since Amy Winehouse is in the public eye we've all gotten to watch the train wreck of her addiction. The most recent, and in my opinion the most disturbing, example of this was a video posted by a British tabloid called The Sun. This video showed Amy Winehouse smoking crack on film.

It was upon the release of this video that my friend TDA wrote an article called The Alcoholic Playbook: The Two Minute Drill in which he was right on the mark about where Amy Winehouse was in terms of her addictive downward spiral.

That article and the decision made by Amy Winehouse the very day after it was written shows that her addiction is not unique. Sure, it's out there for the world to see but that doesn't change much about it. It seems that it still needs to follow the same progression and end up at the same place...the bottom.

What is kind of disturbing to me is seeing articles written which pose the question of whether or not Amy Winehouse will be as creative or soulful once she is no longer living the struggle of active addiction. I guess these statements are made by those who have never been at their absolute bottom in life and have had to struggle back up.

That, folks, takes creativity. That is truly a life struggle. And it is that, if Amy Winehouse makes it back up, which will ensure true soulfulness in her music. I for one am really hoping that she has finally reached that breaking point which will allow a moment of clarity. In that moment she will be able to step back and look at her life and see that it's insanity. Good luck Amy.

Related posts:

1. Amy Winehouse At The Grammys
2. Addiction Recovery…Struggling Not To Struggle?
3. You Have Got To Check Out Mereggie, A.K.A. Me Reggie McDonald – A True Story

January 26th will be my one year anniversary of being in recovery. As far as I'm concerned, this has been the best year of my life. Sure, it wasn't the funnest, the easiest, or the most peaceful year. But as far as my well being is concerned, this has been my most productive year ever.

My first year in addiction recovery has been filled with many ups and downs, many ebbs and flows, many steps forward...and a couple of steps back. What is the most important thing I've learned? Stumble don't fall.

For anyone who is not familiar with my blog from the beginning, you missed me going through some rocky times in my recovery. Rocky like using Oxycontin again? No, not that rocky. But rocky like giving into temptation and using sleep aides when they were not necessary. Rocky like starting to revert back to my addictive thinking and isolating patterns and rocky like when the bottom of my pink cloud dropped out and I fell on my ass...you know, the normal recovery shit that everyone goes through.

It seems like if you get away from all of the semantics of addiction recovery like whether or not you work the twelve steps, whether or not you feel that taking antidepressants or Suboxone mean you are not truly in recovery, or whether you consider yourself to be an addict or a person who is chemically challenged...our recoveries and our beginning steps on the road of our recovery are pretty similar.

People who are successful in addiction recovery are those who get the recovery basics down pat (what a weird saying...down pat). They are sharing and identifying, they are reading about recovery and are usually writing about recovery in some form or another whether it be blogging or keeping a recovery journal, they know what it is to stay in the day and they are basically trying to better themselves.

Now, when I say that you have the recovery basics down pat (again with the down pat?) do I mean that you follow these to the letter and never stray? Nope. What I mean is that you know the basic things that it takes to be successful in recovery and you try to stay on top of them. That's all we can really do...try our best everyday.

Here is where the stumble don't fall comes into play. I have had periods of time where I have been off my game. For one reason or another I let my recovery take the back burner to what was going on in my life. Thankfully, what I have managed to do is remain aware enough about myself to catch this happening.

I have caught myself in various stages of falling. There were times when I could feel that old "fuck it" attitude returning and decided then and there to do something about it. I have caught myself starting to let my old addictive thinking patterns creep back in and have headed that off. I have even been to the point of taking Benedryl for no other reason than to get groggy and drift into sleep without having to think about anything. Not a big deal for some, for me...huge.

If I didn't recognize these things for what they really are...precursors to a full relapse, I wouldn't be where I am today in terms of my recovery. So while I did stumble a few times, I have never let myself fall. I plan to keep it that way.

A Stumble Down Memory Lane - Addiction Style

Here is something that I thought would be fun to do. Since I'm not really into the whole anonymity part of addiction recovery I thought it would be appropriate to show some pictures of myself...kind of like a little then and now type of thing. Here we go.

THEN:Starting from the left above, November and December of 2006...I was not doing to well at this point but still hadn't thrown in the towel. Finally, the last on the right is me actually in rehab. The picture is kind of little, I know, but trust me...it's not a pretty picture anyway.

NOW: these were all taken from October of 2007 and on (did the Miss Piggy costume clue you in?). I feel 100% better about myself. I've put on some weight since February 2007 (working on it ok?) but even still, I feel so much better and healthier than I have in a long time. And don't worry...I'm only drinking Red bull in the first picture on the left.

One last thing, I wanted to share with you a quote that you have probably heard before. This quote was recited to me by another patient while I was in rehab and it rang so true for me that it has stuck in my mind as one of those defining moments in my early days of recovery:

"Change is what happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go. Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around us in awareness" -James Thurber

Fear is what holds a lot of us where we are, unwilling to accept change. I could never imagine myself being grateful for pain but I am. I am grateful that the pain of my addiction ultimately became to much for me to bear and I was finally able to welcome change. And what a change it has been.

Related posts:

1. Addiction Recovery:Ringing In The New Year
2. The Importance of a Routine
3. Addiction Relapse: Stumble Don’t Fall

Another really good thing is just like at an NA or AA meeting people who are really struggling are sharing with you and it drives home the fact that I never want to be in that position again. It reminds me of where I came from. How low I was and how far up I have climbed. I honestly had tears in my eyes because someone was telling their story and it was so similar to my story. It made it all real again and I honestly believe that that is what we all need. Recovering addicts need to never forget just how bad we can get.

It would be really cool if you check out some of the groups that I joined for yourself and see what you think. I am part of Addiction Recovery and Pain Pill Addiction.

Another site that I think deserves and honorable mention from What Winners Do is The Discovering Alcoholic . I absolutely love the writing style of this blogger and think that he has such a way of expressing exactly what it is that we go through in a very encouraging way. He also seems to have a good sense of humor, which to me is one of the most important things in my addiction recovery. This is definitely a site that you need to check out. You can become a member and submit your own blog entries which is really cool. I submitted one called Wasted Sundays that talks about the benefits of not having a hang over every Sunday.

I hope this helps you the way that it is helping me. Good Luck and remember...Do What the Winners Do.

Related posts:

1. About This Site
2. Trying to White Knuckle it
3. Putting It All Out There

But now what? I'm not taking drugs anymore, I'm in recovery. So do I just go back to worrying myself to sleep? No. Just like anything else, being able to sleep properly without drugs took work. I spent many, many sleepless nights my first couple of weeks in recovery just sitting up and watching TV all night. This was driving me crazy.

I took the advice of a counselor and started a bedtime routine. I didn't have much of a routine when I was using. Usually I passed out on the couch with my clothes on. Glamorous, I know. But a bedtime routine? Yes. A bedtime routine. I start my routine by having a coup of sleepytime tea. Then I tried something really out of the ordinary for myself...bedtime hygiene. It seems kind of gross but when I was using I never even thought of brushing my teeth or washing my face before bed. Like I said, I usually just passed out. Then I usually write in my journal for a little while and then read.

Reading has become a big part of me being able to fall asleep. I suggest it to anyone who is having trouble sleeping. Get yourself on a new nighttime routine that involves positive, relaxing things. Stick to it even if it doesn't work right away. Soon you will let your body know it is time to unwind, relax and drift away to sleep.

Related posts:

1. HALT: Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
2. Just Roll With It – The Importance Of Being Open To Change
3. Mine Enemy Grows Older – No Containment

Because in addiction you have distanced yourself from a lot of the positive people in your life and have instead chosen to surround yourself with people who have the same addictive qualities as yourself, once you enter into recovery and have cut ties with the "wrong type of people" you may be left with the feeling of loneliness.

In my own life, I didn't really hang out with anyone that I used drugs with. I was very successful in my isolating. When the time came when I was clean there wasn't that much change in the number of people I was around (0), just a change in how it affected me.

When I was using drugs I didn't mind being by myself. I was able to deny to myself that I was feeling lonely...the drugs helped me out with that. So when I wasn't using the drugs anymore the sense of loneliness was crushing.

One of my biggest obstacles in early recovery was isolating myself. I guess you take someone who over their entire life has been burned a few times by getting close to people, doesn't feel comfortable enough to show emotion in front of other people, and who has an addictive thought pattern and you have the perfect recipe for the defense mechanism called...isolation.

The way that I began to bring myself out of isolation was by sharing at recovery meetings. Even though sharing my thoughts and emotions with a room of strangers went against every instinct in myself, rationally I knew I needed to.

What I found out was that after I would open up to others I felt a hell of a lot better. Just saying the words out loud to others some how freed me up inside. It was sharing at recovery meetings that first taught me what it was like to share with others.

It seemed like once I was able to open up in meetings I began to get the basics of being able to open up to others one on one and that lead to me being able to start some healthy relationships.

So when I hear people talking about the loneliness in addiction recovery I truly understand where they are coming from. I've been there. I still am there from time to time as I experience recovery ebbs and flows.

I truly believe that this loneliness is in direct connection with our defensive isolating that we have pretty much come to think of as who we are. As time goes on, we see that our isolation is not part of who we are but more a part of our addiction. It really proves the point that in our recovery we are not bad people trying to become good, we are sick people trying to become well.

Related posts:

1. Avoiding Isolation In Addiction Recovery… It Aint Easy
2. Attending Narcotics Anonymous Meetings?
3. Accountability In Addiction Recovery