What Winners Do - An Addiction Recovery Blog » relapse

Have You Ever Relapsed?

Erin — Mon, 24 May 2010 00:16:10 +0000

It is my belief, and the belief of alcoholics anonymous and narcotics anonymous that being in recovery means abstinence from all mood altering substances. With that explained...have you ever relapsed?

I was trying to convince myself that since my addiction had to do with drugs, I could drink alcohol. After all, I didn't have a drinking problem. I didn't need to get drunk. So what would be the harm?

The winners in this game have all said that you cannot drink even though you were a drug addict and hope to have a successful recovery. It just won't work. I heard what they were saying but I thought to myself, they don't know me. Maybe I can do that. And so, I tried.

It didn't take me long at all to discover that this was not going to work for me. It's not that I went on a binge or anything like that. I drank, got drunk and didn't want to do it again. I noticed that it was a problem because right away I told myself that I wasn't going to tell my therapist that I drank. I also told myself that since I had accrued some clean time I was not going to mention my use of alcohol at my next NA meeting.

Thankfully something clicked in my head. I realized that it must be a problem or I wouldn't be trying to keep it from people. I obviously felt that it was wrong. So, I made myself tell my therapist about it. He didn't give me shit like I thought he would. He just wanted to know every detail leading up to me drinking and how I felt afterward. It really felt good to talk it through like that with someone.

At my next NA meeting I was still considering just pretending like it didn't happen. After all, who are these people and why should I feel obligated to tell them I messed up. What do they care? But something inside of me made me just raise my hand. Before I knew it I was telling a group of people that I relapsed. As I was looking around the room I could see people nodding in agreement with me about some of the feelings I was having.

Do you know what there advice to me was? "Keep coming back." They didn't want to kick me out of the group, they wanted me to come back. What I realize now is not only are they helping me, but they are helping themselves. By sharing my bad experience, they hopefully won't have to actually experience it for themselves. And if they have already experienced it...it was a nice reminder that taking a drink or a pill isn't going to be fun or solve anything.

Some Myths About the Dreaded Relapse

Erin — Mon, 10 May 2010 20:04:52 +0000

More thank likely, at some point in your recovery you will have a relapse. Of course it is your goal in life not to relapse, that is really the whole point to all of the work we are doing. But mistakes will happen. The most important thing to do is learn from your mistakes. No one is perfect, everyone f's up from time to time, but a relapse can be a learning experience if you choose to make it one.

There are tons of myths out there regarding the subject of relapse. Most of these myths are due to lack of education. I wanted to list some of the myths floating around and give some reasons on why they are false. I hope this helps someone out there because this information helped me immensely when I relapsed.

Myth #1. Relapse is a sign of recovery failure
Fact: Relapse does not mean that you failed or that your recovery is flawed. A relapse means that you made a mistake and once you identify something as a mistake you can be more aware of it and therefor can avoid it in the future.

Myth#2. Relapse is a sign of poor motivation
Fact: No one is guaranteed a lifetime of abstinence no matter how motivated they are. Unfortunately relapse is a normal part of the addictive disease and no matter how sincere you are about recovering you can slip up.

Myth#3. Relapse starts the instance you "use"
Fact: Relapse starts way before you ever take the first drink or drug. Relapse begins when you start reverting to your old way of thinking and behaving. When you stuff your feelings, start to isolate, put yourself in dangerous situations or don't seek enough support you are already in a dangerous situation. The drug or alcohol is actually the end point in the relapse not the beginning.

Myth#4. Relapse is unpredictable and therefor unavoidable
Fact: Since we have already confirmed that using is the end point of the actual relapse and not the beginning, there are tons of signals that show you are headed down this path. Having the disease of addiction means that you cannot control your use once you start using. It doesn't mean that you have no control over whether or not you use. Big difference there. Look for the signs and be honest with yourself.

Myth #5. Relapse applies only to your drug of choice
Fact: Any kind of mood altering substance that you use to anesthetize your feelings is a relapse. It's just that simple.

Myth#6. Relapse cancels all progress made up to that point
Fact: Your time and experience in recovery does not disappear just because you relapsed. Your sober time does unfortunately end but there is a difference between your time in recovery and the sober time you have under your belt. The quicker you get yourself clean and back into your recovery the better.

Myth#7. If relapse isn't the end of recovery then it's ok to have one
Fact: Although relapse is common, it doesn't mean that it isn't dangerous. A relapse is a return to the unmanageability and the insanity of your disease. Unfortunately some people never make it back.

Here is my advice to you. If you relapse, be honest with yourself. Face the fact that it happened but don't beat yourself up over it. You were wrong, you are not perfect. You need to be aware of the reasons that it was able to happen. You also need to get back on track with your recovery as soon as possible. Go to a meeting, talk to someone and share the fact that you had a relapse. Don't be embarrassed. It's OK.

Addiction Relapse: Stumble Don’t Fall

Erin — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 05:19:27 +0000

It's not very often that I fall, but sometimes I stumble. Yesterday I stumbled. I could have fallen if I let myself. Something inside wouldn't allow myself to fall. Without thinking about it I steadied myself before I fell. I got my balance back and was able to stay standing on my feet instead of hitting the floor. But I did stumble. I drank beers.

Yesterday I had about 6 beers. I had what is called a relapse. Sure, drinking wasn't what I really had a problem with but I have decided to practice abstinence from all mood altering substances. Because of that decision, yesterday I relapsed. Sure, I could choose to believe one of the myths of relapse which is because I didn't do the exact substance that I was addicted to that I didn't really have a relapse. But I know that I did.I'm not going to sugarcoat it for myself. That would get me nowhere. What I'm going to do is look real closely at what I was doing and thinking prior to me taking that first drink. By doing that hopefully I can today see some of the warning signs that I didn't see yesterday. If I can see what some of the indications that I was going to relapse were, then I can be sure to be on the look out for them in the future.

I had that old voice inside of my head telling me that it's ok to drink beers once in a while. You're not an alcoholic so what's the difference. It's such a beautiful day out, you deserve a beer. These are just a couple of the thoughts that were swirling around this addictive thinking brain of mine. Sadly, I gave into these thoughts.

Do I feel shameful about my relapse? No, I can honestly say I don't. Do I feel guilty about it? Ya, there is a little guilt there. I regret doing it because I see that I got absolutely no fun out of it. I let myself believe that by drinking a few beers and catching a buzz I was going to have tons of fun. I didn't. What I got was that old guilty feeling and a little disappointment with myself.

If I could give any advice to anybody out there that has just been craving for not only the drug/drink but for the "fun" time that comes along with it, it would be: Just don't take the first drink/drug. Do whatever you can to avoid it. In the end it's not really fun. What happens is that you envisioned it as being so great that when you actually do it and realize it isn't, you're disappointed. On top of that disappointment comes the disappointment with yourself for allowing yourself to relapse after all your hard work.

To end on a higher note (no pun intended), today is a new day. So now what I will do is not use any mood altering substances for this twenty-four hours. Tomorrow when I look back on today I will have a feeling of accomplishment and success. I can't say that about today's yesterday but it will definitely be the case tomorrow.

Relapse:The Warning Signs Were There

Erin — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 22:50:55 +0000

Recently I stumbled while walking down my road of recovery...ok I relapsed. The end result to my relapse was me drinking but there were warning signs of relapse that I didn't focus on.

I realized that I had been walking around in a pink cloud. The reason I realized that I had been doing that was because all of a sudden it was no longer going on. I was then filled with a case of the blahs.

My balloon had been popped and what was left was not pretty. I started to feel overwhelming dread at the thought of going through the rest of my life without being able to get high at least one more time. I felt like all of the positive thinking I had done in my very early recovery wasn't a reflection of my true feelings toward sobriety. I felt like I was lying to myself when I say that I'm grateful for a clean and sober life.

These dreadful feelings went on for about 10 days. In those 10 days I started to isolate myself from anyone and everyone that would be able to help me through these feelings of uncertainty. That was my biggest mistake.

Isolation plays a huge part of addictive thinking. Once you start to isolate yourself you are headed for a relapse. When you no longer feel that there is anyone that would truly understand what you are going through and you don't take the necessary action of reaching out to someone and asking for help...taking the first drink or drug is right around the corner.

I had written a post about the fact that I hadn't been attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings. Even at the point of that post, which was just a few days ago, I didn't think I would actually drink. I just thought I was kind of being lazy about my recovery and that I would all of a sudden get back into it if I put my mind to it.

Unfortunately the end result was me drinking. So I have gone over what my mistakes were and have realized that allowing myself to isolate was the beginning of my relapse. I have to force myself, no matter how uncomfortable it feels at first, to reach out for help when I am having moments of doubt. The times when I feel like I don't need anyone else are the times that others are the most important. I have to remember that and more importantly I have to live by that.

Keep Moving Forward – One Day At A Time

Erin — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 03:48:52 +0000

I had shocked myself last week with a relapse. I didn't see it coming ahead of time because I wasn't staying in the day. I wasn't taking it One Day At A Time.

As harsh a reminder as a relapse is, it seems that it was a needed reminder. I've been thinking about my addiction recovery a lot since last week and one of the things that seems to have effected me the most is my lack of taking one day at a time.

When I was truly staying in the day I was focused on being the best person I could be throughout the day. Losing site of this affected not only my sobriety but also my mood and my self motivation.

I had fallen back into the addictive thinking pattern which had me preoccupied with the past and worrying about the future. Why was I worrying about the future? Because I wasn't taking care of what I was supposed to be when I was supposed to be. Why was that? Because I wasn't staying in the day and I wasn't being the best person I could be one day at a time.

Keep moving forward has been one of my personal motto's throughout my addiction recovery. The reason being is because I had finally grasped the concept of not dwelling on past mistakes and not letting every blow take me out completely. Something crappy would happen and I would feel bad for a moment and then say "ok, that sucked but let's keep moving forward".

Fortunately for myself, I have once again adopted this motto. Ya, I screwed up with my relapse. I allowed myself to feel bad about it, I also allowed myself to look on the brighter side. My relapse shook me back into the reality of my addiction recovery. Lesson learned...Keep moving forward.

This last blurb has nothing to do with the rest of the post I just noticed that I have a tendency to use a lot of the typical "sayings" you hear in addiction recovery. I love them, don't ask me why. I used to love all the typical office "sayings" when I was a nine to fiver also. You know those ones, "let's touch base" "get all your ducks in a row" "let's swing on this pitch" etc., etc.

I thought I would make a list of some of the recovery sayings:

Stinking Thinking
Poor me, Poor me, Pour me another
One Day At A Time
First Things First
One Drink Is Too Many And A Thousand Is Not Enough
90 in 90

Let me end by saying that although I love using the addiction recovery lingo...I just don't get the bumper stickers. You will never see me riding around with an AA/NA saying on my car, just won't happen.

Oh Little Brother… Still Fucking Up

Erin — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 22:48:33 +0000

For anyone who has kept up with this site you are familiar with the fact that I have a younger brother who struggles with an Oxycontin addiction just like his big sis. I have told you about how it's torture for a recovering addict to watch an active addict.

The helplessness you feel when you are on the sidelines of someone else's addiction can be staggering. I only know how to deal with my own addiction... not anyone else's. But as it turns out, you have no choice. It is what it is.

It seems that my brother, who went back into a Suboxone program in November, has not been very successful in his recovery. How do I know, you ask? Well it became pretty clear when he called my father this afternoon from a police station after being arrested. At this very moment in time I can't tell you exactly what he is being charged with but... I think I can make an educated guess.

Rationally I know how it goes. This is what needs to happen in order for him to realize that he can't go on using. I know that he wasn't close to hitting his bottom on his previous attempts of sobriety so it wasn't really going to work. But who thinks rationally all the time? Sometimes your feelings get the best of you.

It's pretty hard to be rational when you watch your mother completely lose her shit because once again her baby boy is all fucked up and there is NOTHING she can do. It's pretty hard to be rational when you watch how your brother's addiction has aged your dad about 10 years in the last year. It's just such a fucked up situation that it's pretty hard to keep a level head... hard but not impossible.

I love my brother. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. With that said, I can't fucking stand him or the situations that he puts our whole family in. This needs to stop.

Relapse: It Snuck Up On Me?

Erin — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 11:07:06 +0000

Some of you may not think that taking Benedryl to make yourself feel drowsy and fall asleep would be considered a relapse...for me it definitely was. So how did this happen?

In my posts about going through the Cymbalta withdrawal I had mentioned that I had begun taking Benedryl to ease the Cymbalta withdrawal symptoms. I never took more than I had to and only the amount directed. Until...

I was done feeling crappy from Cymbalta withdrawals for a few days. Fourth of July came and for some reason I was feeling pretty emotional and just kind of down. I had written a post that morning saying that I was thinking about my childhood Fourth of July memories and how happy everyone used to be and it just kind of made me sad.

I did the whole family party thing and when I got home I went into the bathroom, opened up the drawer, saw one dose of Benedryl remaining in the box and right away took it (for no medical reason). Now, I know some may say that this is not a big deal but if you read my About Me page you can see that this is a big deal. I had a real problem with using OTC sleep aids as a form of escapism. I really thought I was done with that.

What let's me get to the point of actually relapsing? Why am I not seeing the signs beforehand and doing something about it? Obviously I won't be keeping Benedryl or any other type of drug that makes me drowsy in my line of sight anymore. I keep thinking if only I had just gotten rid of it when I was done using it for the withdrawal symptoms I wouldn't have been able to take it.

Once again I'm left with the question of how to make this relapse a learning experience. What can I take from this? I'm trying not to get down on myself about it. I realize that I'm human and mistakes will be made. I also feel pretty good that I'm taking this as serious as I am. Like I said, I could just say "hey it's just Benedryl, what's the big deal". But I am able to admit that it is a serious thing.

That's really all I have so far. Here I am again, smacked in the face with the reality that I'm an addict...always will be. I guess it just gets tiring sometimes always having to fight to stay sober. That's no excuse of course. I know that life is a battle. So back to trying to Do What The Winners Do.

Have You Ever Heard Of A Second-Round Addiction?

Erin — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 23:37:16 +0000

You probably have heard of a second-round addiction you just don't know it by that name. Basically a second round-addiction is a substitute addiction that you pick up once you are in recovery. How do you avoid second-round addictions and how do you know if you already have one?

The most common second round addictions are overeating, anorexia, bulimia, exercise, gambling, spending, and work. These are just the most common ones...not the only ones. What is difficult with these addictions is that they are usually more socially acceptable and most times a mandatory action in life...ya gotta eat right?

So how are you supposed to know if you are replacing the addiction to your substance of choice with a more acceptable addiction?

Come On...Be Honest

The answer is simple, being brutally honest with yourself. Notice I said the answer is simple, not the act of being honest with yourself. We all know first hand that being honest with yourself is not always an easy thing.

Since addiction is about the disease not about the substance, the telltale signs you have already experienced in your major addiction will be there.

You have to ask yourself if your escalating new behavior is serving a purpose for you other than the norm. Is it distracting you from certain feelings like fear, inadequacy, loneliness, anxiety or anger?

Are you using the time that this behavior takes up as an excuse for not risking new activities or socializing? Are you feeling that this new behavior is really just your disease rearing it's ugly head in a new way? Come on...be honest.

So if you find yourself answering yes to any of those questions you are obviously being very honest with yourself...good for you. But what do you do now?

Say It Out Loud

Now that you have been very honest with yourself about admitting that this new behavior is becoming an addiction it is time to tell someone else.

Why do this? Because as we have experienced in the past, our addictive thinking minds have a way of easily slipping back into denial and minimizing the problem. Maybe I'm not really addicted...that sort of thing.

I'm not saying go ahead and blurt it out to the first person you come in contact with at the food store. I'm talking about telling someone in your support system. Get it out there so you can start dealing with it.

Remember, there is no shame in realizing that you have a growing addiction to a different behavior. We're addicts after all...it's what we do.