I was very hopeful that since I am no longer using all sorts of drugs that my Cymbalta, which is my current anti-depressant, would begin to work correctly and all of my signs of depression would simply disappear. So far…not so much.
I suffer from depression. I have been taking one anti-depressant or another for two years now. During those two years, with the exception of the last 3 months, I have also been taking some other form of mood altering substance. This, no doubt, has interfered with the way that my anti-depressants have worked.
So let’s take a look at how my life is different now that I’m off the narcotics and have an anti-depressant that “works correctly”.
When I was actively using Oxys, which will from here on be referred to as Jams, I would wake up in the morning hating life. As soon as my eyes opened and I realized that the day had begun I would instantly be in a pissed off mood. I would think about all of the things I would have to do that day. Laundry! Are you kidding me? Go for a walk with my son! When will I get a break from this grinding routine? Take a shower…maybe tomorrow.
You might say, “wow, to get all of that done in one day you must have gotten up pretty early in the morning”. Not exactly. I was sleeping later and later. There were some days that I didn’t really start to get moving until about one in the afternoon. Did I mention I am a stay at home mom?
Of course I would go to any lengths to be able to get a Jam. To me, that wasn’t work. I would drive here, there, anywhere. My source didn’t feel like driving…I’ll go pick it up. My source didn’t feel like selling me a half…I’ll find the extra cash for a whole. The whole time feeling embarrassed at my desperation but not being able to control myself. I want a Jam. I’m getting a Jam.
I got a Jam. I would come home and quickly prepare my “friend” for intake. You know, at first it seemed really gross to me to suck the time release coating off of a pill. But I actually grew fond of that taste. It also used to seem like a real pain in the ass to have to use a strainer to change the jam from pill form to powder. But that too got to be something I enjoyed. I also enjoyed the, I think I have to shit, stomach ache I would get while preparing my drug because my body was so excited that it was finally going to feel some relief. You read that right…I would enjoy a stomach ache.
I would line up one monster line for myself to snort. One pill makes a lot of powder. I would do it in one swoop. One snooter is what I would call it. Sometimes I would almost puke in my own mouth because the powder would rush down my sinus and right into my throat and set off my gag reflex. That’s a pretty picture huh? I stayed away from doing snooters off a mirror. I truly did not want to look at myself doing this. Done, put all my tools away. I know, I’ll smoke a cigarette which should take up the seven minutes between me doing a snooter and the effects of the drug kicking in. And there it is.
Finally, I can get some work done. Well maybe I’ll just sit down for a minute and watch some cartoons with my kid. Well maybe we’ll just color for a little while. Maybe we’ll play toy store for a little while, I’ll be the customer. Maybe…oh shit, it’s 4:30! My husband is going to be home from work soon and I haven’t done any of the things I was supposed to do today. Well, that’s ok. I’ll so them tomorrow.
Day after day it went on like this. I got nothing done other than getting high (and playing with my kid).
Wow, Clean Life Is So Different
Instead of waking up in the afternoon I wake up at about 8:30 now. My eyes open, I listen to my husband in the shower and right away I think, “jeez I should be getting him some breakfast”. I think that, I don’t actually do it though. What I do is lay in bed listening to the radio for about another half hour. Opie and Anthony are on for christ sakes, I have to listen until the end of the show.
What do I have to do today? I ask myself this because I want to see if I really need to leave the house today or if it something I can put off until tomorrow. Why do I not like to leave the house? Honestly, I’m not real sure. Good thing I’m on anti-depressants.
By this time my kid is awake and I get out of bed to turn cartoons on for him. Do I go into the bathroom, take a shower and get ready for the day? No. I get a cup of coffee and sit infront of the computer. Depending on what I need to get done I could sit there in my pajamas for hours upon end. The whole time I’m thinking about all of the other stuff I should really be doing. You know, laundry, cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the bedroom. This sounds eerily reminiscent of my drug day. But it couldn’t be the same, I’m off drugs and my Cymbalta is working for my depression. There is no reason for me to be sitting here dreading all of those things.
The hours are going by pretty quickly. It doesn’t look like I did anything around here today. I quickly do some of the things that I need to do around the house. Hating every minute of it. Forcing my self the whole time not to quit in the middle. I know, you are probably saying to yourself “it’s household work, what is the big deal?”. I ask myself the same question on a daily basis.
My husband comes home, I don’t have dinner ready. I haven’t even taken a shower yet today. “You want to go OUT to eat? Leave the house and go to a restaurant?” This usually starts a little fight because he realizes that I’ve been in the house all day and doesn’t understand the big deal with leaving the house to get something to eat. I honestly don’t understand what the big deal is either but there must be one because I never want to do it. Good thing I’m taking Cymbalta or else I might think I’m depressed.
Oh thank god it’s getting to be late night. You know, 8:30. Now I can actually relax after my hard day. Jeez, I should really be getting to bed. I’ve got another big day ahead of me tomorrow. What the f is my deal? Does that sound like someone who is off drugs? I’m starting to realize that my drug problem wasn’t the only reason that I sucked as a stay at home mother and wife. Something else is going on here.
When you compare my daily routines both on and off drugs…not that much of a difference. What does that say about me? I’m going to go with the conclusion that my Cymbalta is not working for my depression and start from there.