Who is My Higher Power
If you have read anything about narcotics anonymous/alcoholics anonymous or if you have attended their meetings then you have heard of a "higher power". To some this is God. But what is someone who isn't really into god supposed to do.
I have tried and tried to believe that there is a God up there but I just can't wrap my brain around that. I can say that I believe that but I would be lying to myself and that's not going to help me in any way. I can't tell you how many pages of my journal have been devoted to this very topic. I was talking about this at a narcotics anonymous meeting and I was given something to think about by another member. The fellowship of narcotics anonymous is my higher power right now.
I know that I can't do this by myself. I need to be a part of something bigger than myself to make this work. I have already tried my way and it didn't get me anywhere accept addicted to drugs. Since I have already accepted the fact that I can't do it alone, I've accepted a higher power. The higher power being narcotics anonymous.
Being part of a group that shares their wisdom and struggles with me is my higher power right now. Having a fellowship that shows me the way to a successful life in recovery is what I need and what I depend on. I heard a man say how thankful he was for the group, he said "my way got me here, your way keeps me here". I thought that was a pretty powerful statement.
When you accept something as being greater than yourself such as narcotics anonymous or alcoholics anonymous you have accepted your higher power. Who knows, maybe someday I will have belief in a God. I never say never.
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March 24th, 2008 - 09:46
There is not a human that doesn’t function without immense amounts of Faith. Faith is as natural eating. That is a good example. Which burger joint do you like best? Lets say BK. You trust even a strange Bk just because you have had good experiences at them and with ever good experience you unconsciously gain more faith that the next new bk you visit will be just a good. But I know in my Town there is one BK that since their opening many years and many managers/employees later is the slowest store on the planet. I don’t Micky D’s. That is bad religion. Another example would be when you go in and sit down to eat. Why on earth would you or anyone have any faith that any particular chair, especially at a Mick D’s would support you, not letting you fall. It started when you were a baby on you mama’s lap in a chair. You don’t even remember the earliest experience, but it’s there. Positive reinforcement. If you talk to someone who has grown up in a religious home (I use the word to NOT offend some other people), They have generally had very real and personal experiences that have led them to trust. Some turn away. Those have not had enough Poss. reinforcement. But there are those who could never leave. They has Faith. The act of trusting in something that they had no reason to believe in and no discernible poss. reinforcement. They didn’t wrap their minds around God. Like trusting a big soft easy chair, they let God wrap himself around them!
September 11th, 2009 - 17:38
I struggled with this very issue for about 40 days into my recovery (I have it written in my journal from 2007). Just after my 25th birthday, my wife (ex) and I were expecting our first child. Then my world changed forever.
She wasn’t feeling well on Saturday so we went to the hospital. The said her blood pressure was a bit high and wanted to keep her overnight. No biggy, everything going to be ok, I mean, what can go wrong? I was waken at 2 AM by my mother-in-law screaming at me to wake up. I had just come back from the bar and was still pretty fucked up but I then came to my sences. There was a problem and she was going into the IC unit. We drove to the hospital and found that she had developed severe toximia and preaclampsia. The primary hospital could not do anything for her so they put her and I in an ambulance and sent us 20 miles to Danbury CT. (on the way, the ambulance STOPPED when someone from the side of the road waved them down. It was a drunken man looking for directions) We no sooner got into the hospital when they said she was going into distress, and that we had to go to ANOTHER hospital. At this time, the whites in her eyes were replaced with blood. Tears were pink.
The helicopter took us to Yale-New Haven’s pad, where an ambulance took us to the ICU stat. They had to knock her out and try to stabilze her. I was approached by a team of doctors who said I needed to make a decision. We can save your wife, or we can save the baby, but not both at the same time. The baby will have a 15% chance where your wife, if we act NOW, will live.
I signed a paper that held the hospital harmless and to do whatever it took to save my wife.
They tried to save my daughter. There were 8 specialists tring to keep her alive after she was forced from my wife. They pulled me to the side and said the lungs just would not support her given the Hydrops. They handed my daughter (Mellissa) to me and told me they did everything they could. She was wrapped in a soft cloth. She was sooo small……………………………They took her from me about a minute after she stopped breathing. My wife was just waking up when we came in to hand her Mellissa…………… Sorry, I have to stop.
My point is this. That was March 8th. On July 31st of the same year, I was holding our 17 week old twin fetus’s in my hand. We lost the next pregnancy too. After all that happened, my faith (whatever was left of it) was gone. I remember saying the following constantly: NOW I KNOW THERE IS NO GOD.
20 years and 3 weeks later, I decided to go into rehab. I struggled with the GOD thing alot. After getting out, I struggled with the GOD thing in meetings everyday. That was, until I went to Atlantic City and was playing the slot machines. Sounds pretty weird, huh? I remember hitting for something like $600.00 after putting in only $1.00. I looked up and said “Thanks, Dad”. You see, my father passed away in 1997 at the age of 87. We would always mildly gamble, shoot pool, stuff like that because he wasn’t a younger father (he had me when he was 51 years old).
But THAT was how I “got” the idea of a higher power. It hit me that profoundly. “Thats all there is TO it???” I’ve always talked to him outloud and in thought, but never thought of him as a “higher power” prior to me getting clean.
That is what works for me. It was the awakening I needed to remain in recovery. Without my higher power, I would not be clean. The funny is………..he was with me all along. And with THAT said, its all I need. Good luck all!
Dave
December 26th, 2009 - 22:35
Hang in there, you’ll find your way in time dear.
January 6th, 2010 - 00:04
Wow! Alot of different ways to find a HP. When in rehab my counselor told me that if I did not know what my HP was to use the group. It’s greater than me! Working a Third Step I also found that my HP would be something that was always with me and loved unconditionally.
For me….it was all those coinsidences. I was desperate and asked a God that I could not see or touch to help me from using drugs. Well, next thing I know I’m in the rooms of NA. There were times that I wanted to use and something would happen and I wouldn’t. The best was one time I was walking down the street going to the ATM to get money to cop. A drunk with a brown paper wrapped bottle walked along side of me babbling…all I could think of was what was he doing! As I walked out of his mouth came “Sometimes in life you just have to hang in there”. That did it!
I went to the ATM, didn’t have enough money to withdraw and kept thinking about what the drunk had said, went home and got another day clean. Through out my recovery these coincidences happen again and again. I have a HP today that shows me through these coincidences that though invisible and silent is there to help and guide me in my recovery.