It occurred to me, as I’m sitting here thinking about all the stuff I have to get done today, that I would never have completed all the things on my daily “to do” list when I was actively addicted to Oxycontin. Has my motivation level change all that much?
Today I woke up knowing that I need to go to the food store, the bank, the post office, put oil in my car and then pop over to the YMCA to sign my little guy up for swimming lessons. When I come home I need to go through my sons huge toy pile (which under my breath I call the shit pile) and get rid of a lot of the things he no longer plays with. After that I need to write a couple of articles for mine and my husband’s websites (have I ever mentioned I moonlight as a copywriter?) and after that cook dinner.
Back in the days when I was actively addicted to Oxycontin the thought of doing just one of the above tasks would have sent me right back to bed with the covers over my head thinking about what a horrible life I have. “Christ, when am I going to have time just to relax?” I would have wondered.
It has occurred to me that my motivation level hasn’t changed all that much. After all, I would spend endless hours planning how I was going to get my hands on some drugs. Not to mention the time it took to secure some money to pay for my drugs. Then if you count the time and energy it took for me to appear normal to my friends and family…I had a pretty full day everyday.
It seems that I have changed is what I’m motivated about. No longer am I wasting my energy on destroying my life. Now I’m focused on things that need to be done in order for my life to run more smoothly. By my life running more smoothly I’m also making my husband and child’s lives run smoothly. I definitely have a different outlook on life.
Sure, I don’t have the backbreaking schedule that others may but I do consider myself a semi-motivated person. The difference now is that I have things to actually show for all of my motivation instead of just dilated pupils and poor hygiene (gross, I know).
I’m not the world’s best stay at home mom or housewife but what let’s me sleep at night is that I’m now actually putting some effort into these roles. So my motivation level hasn’t changed but what I focus that motivation on has done a 180.