I have a tendency to want tell people what they want to hear. Not only will I just tell someone what they want to hear but I’ll go so far as to cover up my true feelings in order to feel the way someone else wants me to feel. What the hell is that?
I don’t know when I started doing this or why I started doing this but I do know that I’m going to STOP doing this. It’s making me pretty miserable. And for what? Why would I choose to do this to myself? I have no answer to that.
I think a lot of people try to keep things on an even keel in their life. That could be where this whole thing originated in myself. I felt like I had fucked up so many things for so many people for so long that I just try to make everyone happy now. It’s sounds pretty ridiculous when I see it written down.
I deserve happiness just like anyone else. I’m tired of pretending that I’m happy when I’m not. I gotta be completely honest, lay things on the line and just see what happens I guess. If not, I’m going to end up living a life that someone else wants me to live and not the one that was meant for me. I’ll be no good to anyone if I do that.
I also think that it’s important that my kid see that there is real happiness in life… not just a life that is kept on an even keel for the benefit of everyone else. We make our own choices in life and for a long time now I have been choosing unhappiness. I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m not going to do that anymore.
“Change happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go.” – James Thurber