Gotta Stay Honest

April 25, 2010 — 2 Comments

I have a tendency to want tell people what they want to hear. Not only will I just tell someone what they want to hear but I’ll go so far as to cover up my true feelings in order to feel the way someone else wants me to feel. What the hell is that?

I don’t know when I started doing this or why I started doing this but I do know that I’m going to STOP doing this. It’s making me pretty miserable. And for what? Why would I choose to do this to myself? I have no answer to that.

I think a lot of people try to keep things on an even keel in their life. That could be where this whole thing originated in myself. I felt like I had fucked up so many things for so many people for so long that I just try to make everyone happy now. It’s sounds pretty ridiculous when I see it written down.

I deserve happiness just like anyone else. I’m tired of pretending that I’m happy when I’m not. I gotta be completely honest, lay things on the line and just see what happens I guess. If not, I’m going to end up living a life that someone else wants me to live and not the one that was meant for me. I’ll be no good to anyone if I do that.

I also think that it’s important that my kid see that there is real happiness in life… not just a life that is kept on an even keel for the benefit of everyone else. We make our own choices in life and for a long time now I have been choosing unhappiness. I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m not going to do that anymore.

“Change happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go.” – James Thurber

2 responses to Gotta Stay Honest

  1. Dealing with emotions in any form is one of the most challenging aspects to recovery. Emotions are no longer numbed and feel so very very raw.

    The need to be accepted is one of the highest needs that humans seek. Alternatively, the fear of rejection is at the top of the list of fears humans avoid. Bloody hell – we are essentially hardwired to avoid any conflict that could possibly result in rejection of some sort.

    One blessing of recovery is reflecting on the status quo of ourselves and life. You can never go to far wrong by living with the adage of “To thy own self be true.”

    This will provide the basis of living a completely authentic life. Choosing to live an authentic life in an honest but compassionate way really is a fabulous by-product of recovery. For that end result I feel gratitude that my addiction and recovery taught me this life changing ethos.

  2. Your posting was just what I needed today. I keep telling myself that I MUST learn to be more authentic, but it never seems to work. It’s as if I have some built in filter that allows some of my true feelings to come through, while others are denied access to the real world.

    I can relate so well to what you said about your kids and wanting to show them that there can be true happiness in life. Sometimes I try so hard to numb myself to the harsh realities of life that I become zombie like. My kids deserve better than this in a dad.

    One bit of advice I heard recently was to STOP asking myself if I was happy. When we do this, we open the flood gates for self evaluation, which we never seem to pass. Today I will try to replace the question, “Am I happy” with “Am I grateful”.

    Thanks SO much for your blog. I feel less alone.

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