I’m Not Using Drugs, What the Hell Am I Supposed to Be Doing?

January 29, 2010 — 2 Comments

In my early recovery I had no idea what to do with myself. I truly forgot what it was like to have fun. When I was using, so much of my time and energy was spent getting the drug, preparing the drug and being messed up on the drug that I didn’t have much time for anything else.

My first month of recovery was filled with many moments when I would say out loud to myself “I don’t know what to do with myself”. I truly meant it. I would literally become panic stricken and pace around. I spent a lot of time writing in my journal, reading and drawing. I didn’t know what else to do and I figured that these were safe things.

I left out one very imporant thing…having fun. My idea of what was fun was so warped because of the years I spent drinking and drugging. I thought that it was impossible to have fun without some substance in my system. I was so used to flying under the radar in front of my family that I forgot that these people are fun to be around.

Then it happened. My husband and I were driving home late on a Saturday night after going out to dinner with another couple. This, by the way, was the first Saturday night dinner in a long time where I actually ate food not just drink tons of beers and just push my food around my plate to make it look good. One of us said something and we both started laughing. I’m talking the kind of laugh where you have tears streaming down your cheeks, you can’t catch your breath and you couldn’t stop laughing even if you wanted to. This went on for about 10 minutes. It was then that I realized I knew what fun was again.

As I go along in my recovery it seems like little by little my brain gives me back things that I have lacked for years. The weird thing is I didn’t even realize they were gone. It’s like the further I go in my recovery from addiction the more I am rewarded by myself. It gives me a lot of hope and makes me wonder what is next.

I have also found that I can laugh at myself and my addiction now. Having humor in recovery is really what gets me through it. I love to joke and laugh about how absurd my addictive thinking is. It seems like there is a formula that life goes by to get you through: PAIN+TIME=COMEDY

Have some fun and laugh at yourself (and others)

2 responses to I’m Not Using Drugs, What the Hell Am I Supposed to Be Doing?

  1. nevermind3z3(aka) Kiely April 18, 2007 at 3:57 pm

    yeah im at that stage where its like idk what to do when im not high. but im actually very active, im the varsity catcher as a freshman, and im in a band and i still feel like somethings missing

  2. I remember asking my sponsor how I was supposed to have fun now that I am clean and my sponsor asked me “When was the last time using was fun?” She was right. My using had become a way of life. The getting and finding ways and means to get more was exhausting hard work. Today that energy goes into other things I enjoy doing. I didn’t enjoy anything when I was in active addiction. When I got clean I had to learn what I liked and didn’t like…not just because of the drugs, but because I was such a cameleon that I liked whatever the people around liked. I didn’t have an original thought or idea of my own.

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