I was ready to write;
You have no idea how I am struggling these past few days. The lack of self-confidence that was not present while using is really f*cking with me. The mental anguish and guilt I am feeling because of my lack of knowing how to do anything and not having a clue of where to begin has overwhelmed me to the point of terrified tears and self-loathing. (And a BIG dose of the “poor me’s” I might add.
WHERE do I start? HOW do I start? WHEN will it hit me? HOW will I ever believe that I was NOT lazy and worthless, but embroiled in a battle of addiction and preoccupied with where my next fix was coming from.
Being a product of Suboxone recovery didn’t help me with any of that. For that time on the Sub’s my fear of relapse was so strong that I totally dropped the ball, that ball being my life.
I’m just so confused and scared I can no longer concentrate on the simplest of tasks.
Thanks for letting me “share”….
Well it’s taken me over a year to just get to this point. I can’t wait to see what another year will bring!
In my life before I was a BIG fan of simplicity. I lived for years by the principle of not collecting a lot of stuff to clutter up and complicate my life.
Then I met my partner, who is a keeper of every little piece of junk in the world, and a hideously disorganized one at that. Did my austerity and simplicity have any effect on him – hells no. Instead, I just became increasingly more frustrated at having to clean up after a grown person AND a child person.
I gave up. I felt I barely had enough energy to take care of my stuff, and I was going crazy trying to take care of 3 people. But that giving up, allowing entropy and chaos to happen to my home has been nothing but destructive and profoundly unhealthy for me (and probably my kid too).
Your post inspired me to join Flylady & start getting my shit back together. I’m glad that at least I have the knowledge that at one time I did have my act together, so I know it’s possible at least. Having everything broken down into little steps will help too, since it seems manageable even with my current fluxuations in energy.
The fly lady really knows what she is talking about. That system is really great for someone who is trying to get back on track.
Even the advice she gives about getting dressed all the way to your shoes before you start anything around the house really makes sense. You don’t realize how little things effect the way you feel about yourself so much but they do.
What are you expecting in the next year, Erin?
honestly…I’m not expecting anything. Expectations lead to disappointment. Don’t you think?
I guess you can say I was Queen of the Blues “oxycodone”. I have been clean -again- for 13 weeks. Suprisingly I havn’t really had many cravings or anything. Maybe because I have a new baby girl? But before I always thought I would never quit and that it was how my life was going to always be.. now I don’t know why I ever touched the damn stuff lol. I just wasnt ready to let go of something that had been apart of my life for so long. It was too familiar and comforting. I admit I made mistakes during my pregnancy -please no judgement- but I am paying for that and I am taking the consequences like a real woman should and I have owned up to my mistakes and I just want to give my daughter the best life possible.
She is perfectly healthy and beautiful and never had any problems thank god! Like I said, I just wasnt ready but the second I saw her beautiful little face everything changed. I just learned how to actually freakin use the washer and dryer and the dish washer haha my mom always took care of it. I know how to cook now even though my daughter is on formula and is a while away from me cooking for her=] but it feels good. I feel better than I have since I was 13 years old. I don’t want or need to go back to that life. Trust me everyone will feel so much better about themselves and in general when you start hearing people tell you how proud they are of you and how well you are doing!! i hope you kep it up and celebrate 50 years sober lol and I will be right there with you. My counselor said something quite true and wise… He said a recovering addict is the STRONGEST person around. Its easy to get clean but one of the most difficult things in the world is to STAY clean. Kepp up the good work. I know I sound stupid because I have only been clean for 3 months but I know I’m on the right path. I have everything to look forward to. and i will NOT let my babygirl down. But I know its good for other struggling addicts to see that there is hope and a brighter future=]
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