I imagine your stratedy to come with this is to imagine that it’s not possible and that others are living a lie. I I can see how this makes sense to you especially if you have been unhappy and only pretended to be happy for the sake of some social convention.

I am also getting the sense, that you also long to be authentic and true to your integrity, so the phoniness on your part (do to some pressure to conform) would only add to your irritation and pain. Akin to an insult to injury experience.

I am so sorry for how long it has been that you have been going without these needs. And how deprived you have been from experiencing a love that touches your soul.

I do know this (as a mother of young children) that babies cannotsurvive without someone being in tune with them and that babies bond in order to learn and that all of us had a babihood time where we were expressive in an authentic way, we experience joy and sadness and all the feelings we had a natual expectancy to keep on learning which meant a that we did not carry hang ups and negative attitudes (that come from wounds inflicted on our spirit by wounded people). We were playful and in the present and positive about our future, we believed in ourselves and each other so we kept on trying to crawl or walk and if we were breastfed we enjoyed the emotional, physical, pleasurableness of contact being lovingly head and the proxmity of skin contact, etc.

We find meaning in hope (the attitude that there must be a better way) that so we can live expeirencing the jou of our wounds in life get the healing they need and our commitment to preventing wounds and bring healing to others, learning how to make this contribution in the world brings true authentic and deep connections, joyful moments, meaningful life and peaceful contentment that is savored with gratitude and appreciation, no matter how tiny the improvement ( just like when we were babies) and no need to escape into addiction.

I isolated myself because of depression long before I started taking painkillers. And having fibro really exacerbated the whole situation. I’d never want to commit to doing anything because I’d never know if I’d have the energy or be pain-free that day. During those times the computer was my life line.

Nowadays I’m slowly rebuilding my social life. It’s hard though. People wear me out, or maybe I’m just worn out and it’s hard to keep up appearances. But I know that I need that contact with my friends and family, and I’m trying to give myself the things I need. Reading your post reinforced that for me. I think tomorrow I’ll call a friend and make a coffee date.

And re: recovery ebbing and flowing–I’m glad I’m not the only one!

I know for myself, it is difficult for me to read both of your blogs because it really makes me realize what my addiction was like for my family…not just how it effected me.

So while they are difficult to read they are very necessary to read because my family has never expressed just what it was they went through with my addiction. Your honesty about the situation has shown me what heartache a relapse would cause and it is one more negative consequence to outweigh the positive when I’m trying to ride out a craving. Thank you