Merry Christmas

December 19, 2009 — 4 Comments

Just like most of us, my actively addicted self does not share much in common with my living clean self. It usually takes special occasions like the nearly here Christmas for me to realize just how much of a positive change there has been in myself.

My “birthday” or “anniversary” whichever you would like to call it is at the end of January. This means that last Christmas was one of the most dire times in my life. I still had not hit my bottom around Christmas time last year but let me tell you, I was hovering just above it.

I guess that it why this Holiday season has been so special for me. Long gone are the days when any sort of responsibility was too much for me to handle. Long gone are the days when making a plan and sticking to it was out of the question. Long gone are the days of wasting my money on drugs leaving me scrambling at the last minute for funds to be able to buy people’s Christmas gifts…not to mention how hard it was to actually give my money to a cashier knowing I could be using the money to get high.

This year I have really gotten in the Christmas spirit. I have realized that it is healthy to have things in your life to look forward to and I’m trying to put that into practice. I honestly made a decision that this year I would allow myself to enjoy all of the things that lead up to Christmas instead of dreading them.

There is a fine line between looking forward to an occasion and having expectations about an occasion. Expectations can end up in disappointment when things don’t go exactly how you would like. Remember…we have a tendency to want to change the world to fit our idea of it instead of accepting it for what it is.

So sure, enjoying this Christmas season was helped out by the fact that I have a kid young enough to believe it Santa, I had enough money to buy every gift I needed without being strapped for cash for the next six months and most of all this Christmas season I am living in recovery.

I wish you and your families a happy and safe Holiday.

4 responses to Merry Christmas

  1. I know exactly how you feel. Although I still procrastinate quite a bit, I am so grateful for the simplest things today.

    I used to wonder why anyone over the age of 8 could anticipate the holiday season? Even though I had a child, there was no excitement on my part. Besides always being broke thanks to my addiction, I was constantly on a roller coaster of either being high, or being in withdrawal. People would walk around on eggshells when I was near, never knowing which part of the that steep hill I was on at the time…….

    As far as my procrastination and my lack of organizational skills, well…..that isn’t too much better today. But at least I no longer walk around blaming everyone else for the reason I have nothing done.
    Today, I walk around knowing its all ME. And the best part is that because I am aware, I have the opportunity to work on it and not blame it everyone else…..

    Happy holidays and ho-ho-ho! Oh! AND MOST IMPORTANTLY…..CONGRATS ON YOUR FIRST SOBER HOLIDAY SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  2. Hi Erin – Merry Christmas. Every word of this post completely resonated with me. In fact, I was telling my husband last night that I had been mentally tallying up the money I’d spent on presents and couldn’t figure out how I’d gotten everybody gifts and still had money left over.

    Oh yeah, I didn’t have to pay the dealer this year! And, I got real gifts instead of pills. Yay!!!

  3. The fine line between having expectations and looking forward to something is still iffy for me. By the end of the day I was feeling a little let down.

    It actually took me until today to shake that feeling. I guess this is something that I’ll have to work on in the future.

    I hope everyone had a nice Holiday.

  4. sometimes i give cash as Christmas gift if i can’t think of a great gift idea.~”

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