Addiction Relapse: Stumble Don’t Fall
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It’s not very often that I fall, but sometimes I stumble. Yesterday I stumbled. I could have fallen if I let myself. Something inside wouldn’t allow myself to fall. Without thinking about it I steadied myself before I fell. I got my balance back and was able to stay standing on my feet instead of hitting the floor. But I did stumble. I drank beers.
Yesterday I had about 6 beers. I had what is called a relapse. Sure, drinking wasn’t what I really had a problem with but I have decided to practice abstinence from all mood altering substances. Because of that decision, yesterday I relapsed. Sure, I could choose to believe one of the myths of relapse which is because I didn’t do the exact substance that I was addicted to that I didn’t really have a relapse. But I know that I did.I’m not going to sugarcoat it for myself. That would get me nowhere. What I’m going to do is look real closely at what I was doing and thinking prior to me taking that first drink. By doing that hopefully I can today see some of the warning signs that I didn’t see yesterday. If I can see what some of the indications that I was going to relapse were, then I can be sure to be on the look out for them in the future.
I had that old voice inside of my head telling me that it’s ok to drink beers once in a while. You’re not an alcoholic so what’s the difference. It’s such a beautiful day out, you deserve a beer. These are just a couple of the thoughts that were swirling around this addictive thinking brain of mine. Sadly, I gave into these thoughts.
Do I feel shameful about my relapse? No, I can honestly say I don’t. Do I feel guilty about it? Ya, there is a little guilt there. I regret doing it because I see that I got absolutely no fun out of it. I let myself believe that by drinking a few beers and catching a buzz I was going to have tons of fun. I didn’t. What I got was that old guilty feeling and a little disappointment with myself.
If I could give any advice to anybody out there that has just been craving for not only the drug/drink but for the “fun” time that comes along with it, it would be: Just don’t take the first drink/drug. Do whatever you can to avoid it. In the end it’s not really fun. What happens is that you envisioned it as being so great that when you actually do it and realize it isn’t, you’re disappointed. On top of that disappointment comes the disappointment with yourself for allowing yourself to relapse after all your hard work.
To end on a higher note (no pun intended), today is a new day. So now what I will do is not use any mood altering substances for this twenty-four hours. Tomorrow when I look back on today I will have a feeling of accomplishment and success. I can’t say that about today’s yesterday but it will definitely be the case tomorrow.
Posts
April 27th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
Stay strong Erin, it’s not what you have but instead what you will do that is important.
Good Luck
The Discovering Alcoholic
April 28th, 2007 at 6:24 am
[...] Addiction Relapse: Stumble Don’t Fall [...]
January 19th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
[...] My first year in addiction recovery has been filled with many ups and downs, many ebbs and flows, many steps forward…and a couple of steps back. What is the most important thing I’ve learned? Stumble don’t fall. [...]
March 13th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Sounds like you drank some beers, had a ‘relapse’ for the sake of blog fodder. dumbass.
March 13th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Ouch…you found me out. In fact, I not only had a “relapse” for blog fodder but also had an entire “addiction” just to have something to write about.
March 13th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
I had a relapse 2 weeks ago. I did meth. It had been almost 2 years since I had the stuff. But it was there and I was depressed and….
The good thing that came out of this is that I did it that once and not again and then sort of forgot about it. Now it seems like a dream that I relapsed and did it at all.
By the way, because I am not multi addicted, I am able to still drink (just wine). And I do not abuse alcohol. There are some people who have specific poisons. Meth/Speed was mine.
March 14th, 2008 at 1:33 am
Erin, man i know its hard bro…the little voice creeps in my head too..i have quit smoking weed after 5 years of smoking everyday…not out of will but because i was caught…i feel this is my time though, to rid of my addictions and be drug free…anyone else out there in the same position that needs that strength..dont do it..it isent worth it, paying to get that sense of security or feeling in ur head…
March 14th, 2008 at 11:10 am
Well shit with a name like Erb you’re almost born to smoke weed right?
Thanks for the encouraging words. I actually wrote this post a little under a year ago and I feel that I’m moving on pretty well in my recovery. Hang in there…it only gets better.
March 17th, 2008 at 6:14 am
Don’t look now, but you’re sitting in front of a mind altering substance -aka- the internet.
March 21st, 2008 at 5:15 pm
I just relapse after 2 years of sobriety. It started off with a Vicodin prescription (my weakest substance), and didn’t handle it the way I was suppose to. Of course, the gate was now open, and I was drinking on the job and trying to get prescriptions for Xanax. I’ve finally succumb to the issue. Today is my first clean day. I’ve been clean all day. Something to be proud of. I never thought I’d relapse. It happened so quickly, and I forgot EVERYTHING I learned in recovery. That says a lot. We will forget, we will forget. And when we do, we’ll distroy ourselves and everyone around us again. I’m glad I caught my relapse soon, found a sponsor, and going to a meeting tonight!
March 21st, 2008 at 5:19 pm
I just relapsed after 2 years of sobriety. It started off with a Vicodin prescription (my weakest substance), and I didn’t handle it the way I was suppose to. Of course, the gate was now open, and I was drinking on the job and trying to get prescriptions for Xanax. I’ve finally succumb to the issue. Today is my first day clean. Something to be proud of.
I NEVER THOUGHT I’D RELAPSE. It happened so quickly, and I forgot EVERYTHING that I learned in recovery. That says a lot. We will forget, we will forget, we will forget. And when we do, we’ll distroy ourselves and everyone around us again. I’m glad I caught my relapse soon, found a sponsor, and going to a meeting tonight!
June 6th, 2008 at 12:57 am
i just relapsed yesterday after 11 years sober.
June 7th, 2008 at 2:53 am
I was preparing for a trip to the UK this evening and was looking in my bedside drawer for a pair of earrings to pack. Right in the corner of the drawer was a dusty, dirty amphetamine tablet. I just got my six-month token, was going to meetings daily as well as calling my sponsor. I had just begun step 4. I had also lined up meetings and rides in the UK. I popped that pill without even thinking anything. It seemed to happen in a nano second. As I felt high, I started to come up with all the excuses to hide what I had done. I had energy to run errands but as I was driving I kept thinking of the program and the term “rigorous honesty” I got home and called my sponsor, she said it was my decision to give up my sobriety date. So I’m back to day one. My biggest fear was my husband as he said if I used again I should just go back to England to live and leave him and our boys in peace. Again my sponsor told me it was my decision if I wanted to tell him. I wrote it in the form of a letter since I was so emotional and fearful. He read the letter and said he understood but mostly appreciated the honesty which had been lacking in our relationship. While sad, I feel as though I’ve really grown into an adult today. My sponsor is meeting me tomorrow at a meeting. I could pick it to pieces and try and find people, places or things to blame but ultimately I accept the responsibility. All I can say is AA rocks, keep coming back!
June 7th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Lizzie
You did exactly what you are supposed to do when something like this happens.
You held yourself accountable and you were honest even though that was a really, really hard thing to have to do. I think that now that you have experienced what it is like to have to tell your sponsor and your husband that you used again it will make you do everything in your power to avoid having to ever do that again.
These things happen and you handled it beautifully. Congratulations
August 21st, 2008 at 8:46 pm
My husband just relapsed after 2 years of sobriety. I dont know what to do I am so angry with him he spent money we didnt have and now. I just cry and want the life that we had before all of this. I wish he could tell me hes done and he say he hopes he is but his brain wont let him stop thinking about drugs. Anyone got any advise for someone who doesnt understand?