Addiction Relapse: Stumble Don’t Fall « What Winners Do

Addiction Relapse: Stumble Don’t Fall

Posted on March 27, 2010

addiction relapse

It's not very often that I fall, but sometimes I stumble. Yesterday I stumbled. I could have fallen if I let myself. Something inside wouldn't allow myself to fall. Without thinking about it I steadied myself before I fell. I got my balance back and was able to stay standing on my feet instead of hitting the floor. But I did stumble. I drank beers.

Yesterday I had about 6 beers. I had what is called a relapse. Sure, drinking wasn't what I really had a problem with but I have decided to practice abstinence from all mood altering substances. Because of that decision, yesterday I relapsed. Sure, I could choose to believe one of the myths of relapse which is because I didn't do the exact substance that I was addicted to that I didn't really have a relapse. But I know that I did.I'm not going to sugarcoat it for myself. That would get me nowhere. What I'm going to do is look real closely at what I was doing and thinking prior to me taking that first drink. By doing that hopefully I can today see some of the warning signs that I didn't see yesterday. If I can see what some of the indications that I was going to relapse were, then I can be sure to be on the look out for them in the future.

I had that old voice inside of my head telling me that it's ok to drink beers once in a while. You're not an alcoholic so what's the difference. It's such a beautiful day out, you deserve a beer. These are just a couple of the thoughts that were swirling around this addictive thinking brain of mine. Sadly, I gave into these thoughts.

Do I feel shameful about my relapse? No, I can honestly say I don't. Do I feel guilty about it? Ya, there is a little guilt there. I regret doing it because I see that I got absolutely no fun out of it. I let myself believe that by drinking a few beers and catching a buzz I was going to have tons of fun. I didn't. What I got was that old guilty feeling and a little disappointment with myself.

If I could give any advice to anybody out there that has just been craving for not only the drug/drink but for the "fun" time that comes along with it, it would be: Just don't take the first drink/drug. Do whatever you can to avoid it. In the end it's not really fun. What happens is that you envisioned it as being so great that when you actually do it and realize it isn't, you're disappointed. On top of that disappointment comes the disappointment with yourself for allowing yourself to relapse after all your hard work.

To end on a higher note (no pun intended), today is a new day. So now what I will do is not use any mood altering substances for this twenty-four hours. Tomorrow when I look back on today I will have a feeling of accomplishment and success. I can't say that about today's yesterday but it will definitely be the case tomorrow.

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Comments (19) Trackbacks (2) ( subscribe to comments on this post )

The Discovering Alcoholic
April 27th, 2007 - 16:50

Stay strong Erin, it’s not what you have but instead what you will do that is important.

Good Luck

The Discovering Alcoholic

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bump
March 13th, 2008 - 14:12

Sounds like you drank some beers, had a ‘relapse’ for the sake of blog fodder. dumbass.

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- yahboy
  December 16th, 2009 - 14:01
  
  Your’e the dumbass. It’s not just ‘blog fodder’ this is serious business. Maybe you’re not an addict/alcoholic but the fact of the matter is many of us are. Posts like these can help us relate to our own sobriety. But calling somebody a dumbass because they relapsed is low man. This is life or death for some of us and belittling someone about it is not cool.
  
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Erin
March 13th, 2008 - 16:03

Ouch…you found me out. In fact, I not only had a “relapse” for blog fodder but also had an entire “addiction” just to have something to write about.

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Kim C
March 13th, 2008 - 21:43

I had a relapse 2 weeks ago. I did meth. It had been almost 2 years since I had the stuff. But it was there and I was depressed and….
The good thing that came out of this is that I did it that once and not again and then sort of forgot about it. Now it seems like a dream that I relapsed and did it at all.
By the way, because I am not multi addicted, I am able to still drink (just wine). And I do not abuse alcohol. There are some people who have specific poisons. Meth/Speed was mine.

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Erb
March 14th, 2008 - 01:33

Erin, man i know its hard bro…the little voice creeps in my head too..i have quit smoking weed after 5 years of smoking everyday…not out of will but because i was caught…i feel this is my time though, to rid of my addictions and be drug free…anyone else out there in the same position that needs that strength..dont do it..it isent worth it, paying to get that sense of security or feeling in ur head…

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Erin
March 14th, 2008 - 11:10

Well shit with a name like Erb you’re almost born to smoke weed right?

Thanks for the encouraging words. I actually wrote this post a little under a year ago and I feel that I’m moving on pretty well in my recovery. Hang in there…it only gets better.

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Erm
March 17th, 2008 - 06:14

Don’t look now, but you’re sitting in front of a mind altering substance -aka- the internet.

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Paul
March 21st, 2008 - 17:15

I just relapse after 2 years of sobriety. It started off with a Vicodin prescription (my weakest substance), and didn’t handle it the way I was suppose to. Of course, the gate was now open, and I was drinking on the job and trying to get prescriptions for Xanax. I’ve finally succumb to the issue. Today is my first clean day. I’ve been clean all day. Something to be proud of. I never thought I’d relapse. It happened so quickly, and I forgot EVERYTHING I learned in recovery. That says a lot. We will forget, we will forget. And when we do, we’ll distroy ourselves and everyone around us again. I’m glad I caught my relapse soon, found a sponsor, and going to a meeting tonight!

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Paul
March 21st, 2008 - 17:19

I just relapsed after 2 years of sobriety. It started off with a Vicodin prescription (my weakest substance), and I didn’t handle it the way I was suppose to. Of course, the gate was now open, and I was drinking on the job and trying to get prescriptions for Xanax. I’ve finally succumb to the issue. Today is my first day clean. Something to be proud of.
I NEVER THOUGHT I’D RELAPSE. It happened so quickly, and I forgot EVERYTHING that I learned in recovery. That says a lot. We will forget, we will forget, we will forget. And when we do, we’ll distroy ourselves and everyone around us again. I’m glad I caught my relapse soon, found a sponsor, and going to a meeting tonight!

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lorra
June 6th, 2008 - 00:57

i just relapsed yesterday after 11 years sober.

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Lizzie
June 7th, 2008 - 02:53

I was preparing for a trip to the UK this evening and was looking in my bedside drawer for a pair of earrings to pack. Right in the corner of the drawer was a dusty, dirty amphetamine tablet. I just got my six-month token, was going to meetings daily as well as calling my sponsor. I had just begun step 4. I had also lined up meetings and rides in the UK. I popped that pill without even thinking anything. It seemed to happen in a nano second. As I felt high, I started to come up with all the excuses to hide what I had done. I had energy to run errands but as I was driving I kept thinking of the program and the term “rigorous honesty” I got home and called my sponsor, she said it was my decision to give up my sobriety date. So I’m back to day one. My biggest fear was my husband as he said if I used again I should just go back to England to live and leave him and our boys in peace. Again my sponsor told me it was my decision if I wanted to tell him. I wrote it in the form of a letter since I was so emotional and fearful. He read the letter and said he understood but mostly appreciated the honesty which had been lacking in our relationship. While sad, I feel as though I’ve really grown into an adult today. My sponsor is meeting me tomorrow at a meeting. I could pick it to pieces and try and find people, places or things to blame but ultimately I accept the responsibility. All I can say is AA rocks, keep coming back!

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Erin
June 7th, 2008 - 09:38

Lizzie
You did exactly what you are supposed to do when something like this happens.

You held yourself accountable and you were honest even though that was a really, really hard thing to have to do. I think that now that you have experienced what it is like to have to tell your sponsor and your husband that you used again it will make you do everything in your power to avoid having to ever do that again.

These things happen and you handled it beautifully. Congratulations

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Allison
August 21st, 2008 - 20:46

My husband just relapsed after 2 years of sobriety. I dont know what to do I am so angry with him he spent money we didnt have and now. I just cry and want the life that we had before all of this. I wish he could tell me hes done and he say he hopes he is but his brain wont let him stop thinking about drugs. Anyone got any advise for someone who doesnt understand?

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jerry
March 14th, 2009 - 14:35

I just relapsed after a year. I don’t want to drink again. My problem is I can’t tell anyone. If I do I will lose everything that means anything to me. My kids,family,sponsor. I feel like killing myself. I don’t know what to do I don’t crave alcohol. I know I can stop. I just feel so guilty.

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MA
August 28th, 2009 - 00:03

My boyfriend of 6 months just relapsed. I don’t know what I should say to him. I want to be supportive, but I don’t want to let him off the hook. I have 2 small children and will not tolerate drugs around them. What can I say to him that will be loving and still let him know that this sort of thing is unacceptable? I know he is bound to feel guilty right now, and he was honest with me – but I kind of caught him at it. Something felt wrong and I stopped by this place. His heart was racing and he left immediately – very atypical behavior. He said he was going off to meet AA friends. I wonder if he would have told me if I had not seen him acting oddly. I wonder if it will happen again. Words of advice?

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Dave
December 11th, 2009 - 02:58

Erin,

Sorry to hear about the relapse. I have been following you since you started and have thrown in a few words of encouragement along the way. Gratefully, I have 841 days today, just for today. On Thanksgiving, I got a phone call that caused me to re-evaluate my life. The woman I love and met in recovery with 5 months clean passed away in her sleep at the age of 45. I can not tell you the feeling in words or type that described the feelings I had 2 weeks ago. Jackie showed me that even with relapse (she relaspsed 4 yrs ago with 13 yrs), there IS HOPE. I got clean at the age of 45 and consider myself to have a pretty good head on my shoulders. I “got clean” just to get off the oxy’s from surgery only. My higher power showed me that NA and the steps can get you through anything. By practicing the program in ALL my affairs, I am able to see into the future see that I will be ok. If I run to the drug….OR decied to grab my usual bottle of Korbel, all bets are off.

Look……I’ve wasted SOoooo many years of my life due to my addictions. Jackie and I traveled to places people only dream of and went to meetings along the way. We had planned to attend the convention in MD that weekend. But now…that dream is gone.

Higher powers have a way of letting you know your not alone. Although I struggle with GOD, I am learning to believe in Him. Jackie’s sponsor is devistated, but we have made a decision to help each other get over the person we loved with all our heart and soul. She will always be with us. We are becoming close and learning more about aourselves by being totally honest with each other. Remarkable things are happening for both of us.

The reason I mention this is because her sponsor had just relapsed in September. I was very dissappointed and told Jackie that if SHE ever relapsed, that we would probably not continue our relationship. The guilt I have over saying those horrible words is hard to let go, but I’m getting better with each passing day. I still feel like an ass at times, because I have no right to judge someone. Regardless……..No matter what……..I did not use, and for this I am full of gratitude today.

I hope this helps you in your recovery process. There is NO reason to use. What they say is true…..you only get what you put into your recovery process. I put my life into it. It’s the only one I have, and I have been made aware of that in one of the most painful ways, but losing a part of me in the process.

Dig deeper into your process. You will do what winners do by living it. Even though I had a loss, I AM A WINNER.

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todd
January 5th, 2010 - 16:16

In an effort to recover from substance abuse and mental disorders referred to as dual diagnosis, recovery often involves unique treatment steps. My client, Silver Hill Hospital is excellent at Dual Diagnosis procedures and can detect and treat many substance abuse/mental disorders.

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Brother Brades
March 22nd, 2010 - 06:01

I’ve relapsed tonight. Don’t know why, but I bought myself a 20 pack of beer and an eight ball of cocaine. Told myself I’d never do it again. The blow.

Had a ten ounce beer in the middle of the week. After roughly 2 months, I figured I was rehabbing myself into someone who could have a beer here and there. Two days later, I end up buying a 6 pack and then finishing off with another 20 pack of brew. Roughly 16 beers total, to myself, by myself, no social interaction.

I was fiending and blowing up my dealer’s phone all night. Didn’t work out. But Sunday was a different story. It worked out. Full blown relapse with another 20 pack of Budweiser and an eight ball of cocaine. Lost my girl to it, just today. Changed her number.

I fail and then succeed for awhile. I wish I could get push aside the feelings and the urges of addiction. It sucks I’ve complicated my life with someone so avoidable, so taboo.

I know I’ll get clean, I just don’t want it to be too late.

Hope you’re doing better Erin. It sucks that we’re labeled addicts and if we use we’re included in a “relapse”.

Stay strong and realize there is something more out there.

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