Do I Care What You Think?

August 18, 2011 — 8 Comments

I know it may be kind of silly but I am wondering for how many of you your addiction began as a way of fitting in or being socially accepted by peers. I know this was my experience. I wanted to be like my older cousins. Their opinions and behaviors had great influence over me.

That fateful beginning was like a snowflake that rolled, and rolled, and rolled into an enormous ball of snow and ice shards, breaking everything in its path; besieging me and freezing up any goals or aspirations I had for my life.

I am not blaming my peers or anyone else. I took the beer, I put it up to my lips, and I swallowed it down. No one made me do it. I did it. I ask myself why was it so important to be accepted that I would do something which I obviously knew was wrong. I know I felt a thrill engaging in this bad behavior. I also felt like wow! I can get in with the big kids.

Part of me wonders if I still operate under these pretenses. Is it just human nature? Do I still care very much what my peers think? Would I act in ways that are detrimental to my life just to be accepted? Would I begin drinking again?

I am a grown woman now, but I would be lying to myself if I didn

8 responses to Do I Care What You Think?

  1. This morning i begin another day popping pills and scraping up weed to try to combat the effect of last nite’s disaster- drunk, lookin for hours to find my magic drug knowing it was gonna be some heavy, careful juggling to have the “not high” look at a pre-arranged meeting with a potential employer today. What do I do? Make up an excuse, “I’m sick.” Tell the Lord and my family how sorry I am, til the next time. I am not a heavy user of anything but booze and pot. This is enough to screw up my motivation, my confidence, my diet, and the appearance of my body.
    I’ve been programmed to think if you’re holding weed you’re cool, at least you got something…It seems like almost every cent ive ever had….its just gone into the hands of people who wanted my money, i wasnt ever getting a good deal or break. Just screwed over and laughed at. I’m used to that now. I expect that from folks.
    Its not what I would wish on anyone, this life. Even an enemy. Yeah, there were great highs, a lot accomplished, felt good, looked good. This just taught me that to look good and accomplish stuff getting high works real good.
    I know it would get better if I could give it a little time, get a clean week in. My past haunts me in a way i am still
    reeling from,I’m stilla child, helpless, confused.
    All I can say is im lucky i have some decent people around me. or id be dead by now just cuz im that annoying the minute i take a hit. I can remember a few good trips….then I can see the shambles of my life, and others whom i have hurt, by this thing, this love- this love and desire to be anywhere but in my fat, ugly, insecure, uneducated body and my sharp enough to get the put downs- too addicted to change mind. Am I too addicted? Pulling a broken point out of my arm, that didnt phase me years ago. Waking up in puke, waking up to worse, guns at my head, fists in my face, these bad people telling me im worthless, and way worse, and these people, some have been BAD- worse than i hope i appear….they would use the drug as if it were a dark potion to secure their ends, their greed…
    Then the people with drugs have the respect of all, its cool to respect others, but why everyone gotta be best friend with dealer who gives fattest deals? (I aint never met that mfer)They are talked about, revered, like royalty almost, more in demand then celebrities, its just weird. I wonder if I had a big bag of stuff if I would be popular also.
    Everythings all fucked up tho just topsy turvy.
    I feel a little deader everytime i numb myself….I wonder is it fair to put my loved ones thru another possible 30 years of this. I know it would not be rite to take a husband and family with me on this road. I’m so sick of walking alone, I feel like the worst addict on earth and I feel I screw up everything good I touch.
    So, any younger people reading this by chance, when I was 16 i saw the older people who were flipped out or flipped out on spin and i couldnt understand them at all, i remember one girl in particular, she would say “I just dont know whats going on….” and kinda get freaked out, as she would say that. Youve seen the people, the folks who pick in public, who have “methy” mannerisms even sober, the paranoid, the violent….
    I only did it for 19 years.I didnt even do it all the time, yet I did it every chance i got. I used to pick imaginary sores on my scalp until i could smell burning rubber. Literally. Spend 24 plus hours cramped in a bathroom, just trying to fire.
    Its gotten so much better as God has carried me, (like in footprints)
    yet my dreams of being a nice lady and having and wanting what a nice lady wants are always overshadowed by wanting drugs first.
    Its amazing science hasnt come up with a pill to supress the desire…Science cant bottle the human spirit,as an AA/NA person working an honest program is a force to behold…

    I dont want life to beat me and I wrote this so maybe one person will hear my story- That I was a garbage can for most drugs since I was 12. At 16 started meth. Its been over 20 years and I have never won or come up in this game. All that has been won, is I have pissed away my chances and dreams, ignored the advice of whom i loved most, and sought out the company of those that didnt give a rats ass about me.

    And now I suspect the use of speed (meth its called now) has left me with some complex mental issues even a team of doctors could not heal or improve on quickly.

    So I have two choices: an uphill battle, daily struggle and fight to not use- a battle that even with therapy and all going well can be painful for the first couple years….I fear letting out my demons and not having a nip to take to calm myself….I fear so much.

    I could have been anything by now easily. Drugs are such a waste. I know I could still be something good, its just going to be harder to start close to 40 with the drug world my largest form of ‘education.’

    People who are into recovery i really admire. Thank you for a place to share. Please women who have ANY success fighting addiction whether past or present share here.

    I wonder, if I never change, was my life a waste? I tried to treat others kindly, and I helped whom I could. Yet with the brilliant brain and grades I got during my brief stint in school- f%%k, if I dont accomplish something, Ill feel all my talent went to waste. And thats not going to happen, sober or not, employed or not, happy or sad- I’m going to keep trying and keep praying…
    I say that wont happen- that is my biggest fear…To always be a nobody, who had no skills. enough from me thank u

  2. I’m having to make the choice to move away from friends that don’t work for me anymore. This post is very timely.

  3. I just have to say.. Today was my first time on this site.. and it’s amazing and gives me so much hope.. I am new to Recovery and I am reading as much as I can, taking advice and willing to do what any recovering addict that has stayed in recovery has to say or tell me to do or try..

    WITHHELD… You’re story is very powerful to me.. I can relate in so many ways.. I am very blessed to have found this site and to have had the chance to read your story cause it has given me more hope and has inspired me to keep moving forward no matter what it takes.. Thank you so much for sharing..

  4. I think most addictions start through relationships, I experimented with cannabis, coke, E’s, Phet. Ketamine etc with friends, but these didn’t cause any significant problems in my life. I got into Heroin and Crack through my partner, most girls I have met on the street were introduced to it by a boyfriend too. When we are in love or want to be accepted its amazing the stupid things we will do. And yes people care what you think! Your blog is helpful 🙂

  5. I just started a website for the same reason you have What Winners Do — to write as I try to move away from addiction. “WITHHELD” – I wish I knew what had come next for you. Your story is so powerful.

    For the lady (Erin?) who owns this blog – what a great blog name, and what an inspirational story. Although my addictions differ from yours the behavior in my life started at about the same age as yours. My brother was a big-time addict, as well — sadly, he died about 9 (good gosh, I can’t believe it’s been so long) years ago.

    I live an isolated life – I’ve always had trouble making friends – although I am married to a wonderful man. That man happens to be out of the country this week, and I happen to be trying to kick my own addictions at the same time. I lasted five and a half days before my first “relapse” (seems too early to call it that). But I am determined to overcome this. I may have started early, but I still remember the dreams of my childhood. I still remember who I used to be before I got lost in all this. Most of the time, anyway.

    In the past few days I realized something: the cravings haven’t been the worst part for me. Not by a long shot. I had been terrified of being afraid and simply totally freaking out… but that didn’t happen. The worst part by far – so far – has been the problem of simply feeling… nothing. My childhood wounds are terribly old and there are no dragons to vanquish from those days. My current life is isolated and dull – and I’ve become so out of shape and crippled that trying to get healthy seems a bit iffy. I am stuck here with myself in a way I don’t remember having ever been before.

    I don’t know if I can sit through the nothingness for long enough to get to the point where my body can feel things – sort thru and make sense of things – on its own again. But I’m still willing to try.

    My heart goes out to addicts everywhere. We all feel like the weakest people on earth. What we forget – and what few other people realize – is how strong you have to be to survive inside an addiction. It’s one of the toughest lives imaginable. I think figuring out how to use that strength without the addictive substance must be our biggest challenge.

  6. Fitting in? Sure – let me explain…

    From a very early age I felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere. Sometimes I tried to get attention, most times I played chameleon and tried to fit in. Even in groups where I was a founding member, I always felt like everyone else was in on a joke that they wouldn’t share.

    I always felt “uncomfortable in my own skin”, like something was wrong with me, or I was somehow different or “wrong” or “bad”. Above everything else, I always had that voice inside my head telling me that I was no good – a worthless piece of crap – it ran a constant commentary on my thoughts and actions. All my emotions overwhelmed me as well.

    At age 11 I found out that drugs (then alcohol and pot) could quiet down the voice, temper my emotions, and make me feel like I fit in – not just as a participant in a drug culture, but by making me feel more comfortable in social situations and “get outside myself”.

    This was fun while it lasted, but drugs and addiction played that cruel trick on me that they play on every addict. They worked great for a while (and boy did my drug of choice/painkillers work really great), but over time they stopped working so well. I needed more and more to get the effect, needed to do them more often, and even when I added more drugs and took as much as I could, they never worked as well. Even worse, in my efforts to escape my pain, I ended up causing a thousand times more pain for myself and others.

    I went to NA and found that the other folk there felt just like I did. I thought I was the only one. Believe me, you couldn’t find a person who didn’t want to go to NA more than me – I would have rather have stuck pins in my eyes – hell, I’m an atheist. Lucky for me you can be an atheist in NA, and it does work. Athiest or not, we all feel the same for some reason. The new “living clean” NA book has one description of the disease of addiction as “a severe case of the human condition – we suffer from the same fears and insecurities as other people, but are willing to die in order to escape them”. (That’s not a direct quote, but it’s close).

    Quitting is no picnic, but staying clean makes it look like a walk in the park. Learning how to live and deal with feelings constructively takes a lifetime. If you don’t stay clean, don’t kid yourself – you’re not making any progress anywhere. This is why the most important things to me are not using (just for today), and going to meetings. (Of course I work the steps, have a sponsor, etc, but in the beginning you just go to at least one meeting every freaking day for at least 90 days and don’t use one day at a time). The rest comes with time.

  7. I agree.

    I was surrounded by heroin abuse nd free dope when i wanted it. I dont blame them in anyway. Probably the same way you feel.
    But its overwhelming when i came clean i sadly lost a bunch of family members.

    But so.etimes to be stronger, you need to strive towards being independant

    Good luck

  8. I was trying to be like my older brothers, I guess although it didn’t seem that way at the time.

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