I know it may be kind of silly but I am wondering for how many of you your addiction began as a way of fitting in or being socially accepted by peers. I know this was my experience. I wanted to be like my older cousins. Their opinions and behaviors had great influence over me.
That fateful beginning was like a snowflake that rolled, and rolled, and rolled into an enormous ball of snow and ice shards, breaking everything in its path; besieging me and freezing up any goals or aspirations I had for my life.
I am not blaming my peers or anyone else. I took the beer, I put it up to my lips, and I swallowed it down. No one made me do it. I did it. I ask myself why was it so important to be accepted that I would do something which I obviously knew was wrong. I know I felt a thrill engaging in this bad behavior. I also felt like wow! I can get in with the big kids.
Part of me wonders if I still operate under these pretenses. Is it just human nature? Do I still care very much what my peers think? Would I act in ways that are detrimental to my life just to be accepted? Would I begin drinking again?
I am a grown woman now, but I would be lying to myself if I didn’t face the fact that yes, I do care what others think. Fortunately I am mature enough to decide not to go along with what others are doing just to fit in. I feel like I can resist peer pressure.
Because I know this about myself, I have been very intentional about the company I keep. It has been an uphill climb to surround myself with people who do not engage in substance abuse. I have discovered positive peer pressure I guess. My old “friends” were pretty mad at me for disconnecting from them but I realized this was something I had to do if I was going to survive or even have a chance at a “normal life”. I had to do it for my addiction recovery to work.
Do you get those memories in summer time of past summers partying? Although I fight hard to stay in the present, I do. I guess that’s what has brought about these feelings and thoughts. I still miss some of my friends but I know that as long as they are involved in the lifestyle I cannot be a big part of their lives anymore.
Sometimes it is helpful to face the memories and make a reasonable and factual assessment of the facts. I can use my coping skills and say hey you know this is what happened and this was my part in it. Now I can move on to something else. I don’t have to beat myself up about it. I can also be honest with myself and be proud of myself for coming a long way.
Just venting I guess; thanks for listening.
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
This morning i begin another day popping pills and scraping up weed to try to combat the effect of last nite’s disaster- drunk, lookin for hours to find my magic drug knowing it was gonna be some heavy, careful juggling to have the “not high” look at a pre-arranged meeting with a potential employer today. What do I do? Make up an excuse, “I’m sick.” Tell the Lord and my family how sorry I am, til the next time. I am not a heavy user of anything but booze and pot. This is enough to screw up my motivation, my confidence, my diet, and the appearance of my body.
I’ve been programmed to think if you’re holding weed you’re cool, at least you got something…It seems like almost every cent ive ever had….its just gone into the hands of people who wanted my money, i wasnt ever getting a good deal or break. Just screwed over and laughed at. I’m used to that now. I expect that from folks.
Its not what I would wish on anyone, this life. Even an enemy. Yeah, there were great highs, a lot accomplished, felt good, looked good. This just taught me that to look good and accomplish stuff getting high works real good.
I know it would get better if I could give it a little time, get a clean week in. My past haunts me in a way i am still
reeling from,I’m stilla child, helpless, confused.
All I can say is im lucky i have some decent people around me. or id be dead by now just cuz im that annoying the minute i take a hit. I can remember a few good trips….then I can see the shambles of my life, and others whom i have hurt, by this thing, this love- this love and desire to be anywhere but in my fat, ugly, insecure, uneducated body and my sharp enough to get the put downs- too addicted to change mind. Am I too addicted? Pulling a broken point out of my arm, that didnt phase me years ago. Waking up in puke, waking up to worse, guns at my head, fists in my face, these bad people telling me im worthless, and way worse, and these people, some have been BAD- worse than i hope i appear….they would use the drug as if it were a dark potion to secure their ends, their greed…
Then the people with drugs have the respect of all, its cool to respect others, but why everyone gotta be best friend with dealer who gives fattest deals? (I aint never met that mfer)They are talked about, revered, like royalty almost, more in demand then celebrities, its just weird. I wonder if I had a big bag of stuff if I would be popular also.
Everythings all fucked up tho just topsy turvy.
I feel a little deader everytime i numb myself….I wonder is it fair to put my loved ones thru another possible 30 years of this. I know it would not be rite to take a husband and family with me on this road. I’m so sick of walking alone, I feel like the worst addict on earth and I feel I screw up everything good I touch.
So, any younger people reading this by chance, when I was 16 i saw the older people who were flipped out or flipped out on spin and i couldnt understand them at all, i remember one girl in particular, she would say “I just dont know whats going on….” and kinda get freaked out, as she would say that. Youve seen the people, the folks who pick in public, who have “methy” mannerisms even sober, the paranoid, the violent….
I only did it for 19 years.I didnt even do it all the time, yet I did it every chance i got. I used to pick imaginary sores on my scalp until i could smell burning rubber. Literally. Spend 24 plus hours cramped in a bathroom, just trying to fire.
Its gotten so much better as God has carried me, (like in footprints)
yet my dreams of being a nice lady and having and wanting what a nice lady wants are always overshadowed by wanting drugs first.
Its amazing science hasnt come up with a pill to supress the desire…Science cant bottle the human spirit,as an AA/NA person working an honest program is a force to behold…
I dont want life to beat me and I wrote this so maybe one person will hear my story- That I was a garbage can for most drugs since I was 12. At 16 started meth. Its been over 20 years and I have never won or come up in this game. All that has been won, is I have pissed away my chances and dreams, ignored the advice of whom i loved most, and sought out the company of those that didnt give a rats ass about me.
And now I suspect the use of speed (meth its called now) has left me with some complex mental issues even a team of doctors could not heal or improve on quickly.
So I have two choices: an uphill battle, daily struggle and fight to not use- a battle that even with therapy and all going well can be painful for the first couple years….I fear letting out my demons and not having a nip to take to calm myself….I fear so much.
I could have been anything by now easily. Drugs are such a waste. I know I could still be something good, its just going to be harder to start close to 40 with the drug world my largest form of ‘education.’
People who are into recovery i really admire. Thank you for a place to share. Please women who have ANY success fighting addiction whether past or present share here.
I wonder, if I never change, was my life a waste? I tried to treat others kindly, and I helped whom I could. Yet with the brilliant brain and grades I got during my brief stint in school- f%%k, if I dont accomplish something, Ill feel all my talent went to waste. And thats not going to happen, sober or not, employed or not, happy or sad- I’m going to keep trying and keep praying…
I say that wont happen- that is my biggest fear…To always be a nobody, who had no skills. enough from me thank u
I’m having to make the choice to move away from friends that don’t work for me anymore. This post is very timely.
I just have to say.. Today was my first time on this site.. and it’s amazing and gives me so much hope.. I am new to Recovery and I am reading as much as I can, taking advice and willing to do what any recovering addict that has stayed in recovery has to say or tell me to do or try..
WITHHELD… You’re story is very powerful to me.. I can relate in so many ways.. I am very blessed to have found this site and to have had the chance to read your story cause it has given me more hope and has inspired me to keep moving forward no matter what it takes.. Thank you so much for sharing..