I know it may be kind of silly but I am wondering for how many of you your addiction began as a way of fitting in or being socially accepted by peers. I know this was my experience. I wanted to be like my older cousins. Their opinions and behaviors had great influence over me.
That fateful beginning was like a snowflake that rolled, and rolled, and rolled into an enormous ball of snow and ice shards, breaking everything in its path; besieging me and freezing up any goals or aspirations I had for my life.
I am not blaming my peers or anyone else. I took the beer, I put it up to my lips, and I swallowed it down. No one made me do it. I did it. I ask myself why was it so important to be accepted that I would do something which I obviously knew was wrong. I know I felt a thrill engaging in this bad behavior. I also felt like wow! I can get in with the big kids.
Part of me wonders if I still operate under these pretenses. Is it just human nature? Do I still care very much what my peers think? Would I act in ways that are detrimental to my life just to be accepted? Would I begin drinking again?
I am a grown woman now, but I would be lying to myself if I didnâ€™t face the fact that yes, I do care what others think. Fortunately I am mature enough to decide not to go along with what others are doing just to fit in. I feel like I can resist peer pressure.
Because I know this about myself, I have been very intentional about the company I keep. It has been an uphill climb to surround myself with people who do not engage in substance abuse. I have discovered positive peer pressure I guess.Â My old â€œfriendsâ€ were pretty mad at me for disconnecting from them but I realized this was something I had to do if I was going to survive or even have a chance at a “normal life”. I had to do it for my addiction recovery to work.
Do you get those memories in summer time of past summers partying? Although I fight hard to stay in the present, I do. I guess thatâ€™s what has brought about these feelings and thoughts. I still miss some of my friends but I know that as long as they are involved in the lifestyle I cannot be a big part of their lives anymore.
Sometimes it is helpful to face the memories and make a reasonable and factual assessment of the facts. I can use my coping skills and say hey you know this is what happened and this was my part in it. Now I can move on to something else. I don’t have to beat myself up about it. I can also be honest with myself and be proud of myself for coming a long way.
Just venting I guess; thanks for listening.