Relapse: It Snuck Up On Me?
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Some of you may not think that taking Benedryl to make yourself feel drowsy and fall asleep would be considered a relapse…for me it definitely was. So how did this happen?
In my posts about going through the Cymbalta withdrawal I had mentioned that I had begun taking Benedryl to ease the Cymbalta withdrawal symptoms. I never took more than I had to and only the amount directed. Until…
I was done feeling crappy from Cymbalta withdrawals for a few days. Fourth of July came and for some reason I was feeling pretty emotional and just kind of down. I had written a post that morning saying that I was thinking about my childhood Fourth of July memories and how happy everyone used to be and it just kind of made me sad.
I did the whole family party thing and when I got home I went into the bathroom, opened up the drawer, saw one dose of Benedryl remaining in the box and right away took it (for no medical reason). Now, I know some may say that this is not a big deal but if you read my About Me page you can see that this is a big deal. I had a real problem with using OTC sleep aids as a form of escapism. I really thought I was done with that.
What let’s me get to the point of actually relapsing? Why am I not seeing the signs beforehand and doing something about it? Obviously I won’t be keeping Benedryl or any other type of drug that makes me drowsy in my line of sight anymore. I keep thinking if only I had just gotten rid of it when I was done using it for the withdrawal symptoms I wouldn’t have been able to take it.
Once again I’m left with the question of how to make this relapse a learning experience. What can I take from this? I’m trying not to get down on myself about it. I realize that I’m human and mistakes will be made. I also feel pretty good that I’m taking this as serious as I am. Like I said, I could just say “hey it’s just Benedryl, what’s the big deal”. But I am able to admit that it is a serious thing.
That’s really all I have so far. Here I am again, smacked in the face with the reality that I’m an addict…always will be. I guess it just gets tiring sometimes always having to fight to stay sober. That’s no excuse of course. I know that life is a battle. So back to trying to Do What The Winners Do.
Posts
July 12th, 2007 at 12:40 am
I’m with ya baby. It’s a mistake and you can just kick your own ass and move on.
July 12th, 2007 at 12:54 pm
Just thought I would let everyone know that Ken is my husband. Thanks babe.
July 13th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
[...] had shocked myself last week with a relapse. I didn’t see it coming ahead of time because I wasn’t staying in the day. I was taking [...]
July 28th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
[...] Sometimes I don’t realize how happy my life has become until I have one of those days. You know, the ones where everything seems unbearable. You are feeling not so enthused about life in general and you wonder why you bother to fight the good fight. So how does feeling like this make me realize the importance of relapse prevention? Well, there have been times in the past when even though I realized I was feeling shitty…I said nothing and stuffed those feelings away somewhere deep inside of me. What followed? Relapse. [...]
January 8th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
[...] if I had to admit to a group of people that I didn’t really know that well that I had had a relapse. If I had done something that I considered to be relapse material I would go into a meeting and [...]
January 19th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
[...] Rocky like using Oxycontin again? No, not that rocky. But rocky like giving into temptation and using sleep aides when they were not necessary. Rocky like starting to revert back to my addictive thinking and isolating patterns and rocky like [...]
July 5th, 2008 at 9:06 am
Yeah, like you said at the end of the post, having to fight all the time just to remain sober seems unfair and even tiring at times. It’s unfortunate that just not using on a daily basis is a path of so much resistance for addicts.