Sometimes I don’t realize how happy my life has become until I have one of those days. You know, the ones where everything seems unbearable. You are feeling not so enthused about life in general and you wonder why you bother to fight the good fight.
So how does feeling like this make me realize the importance of relapse prevention? Well, there have been times in the past when even though I realized I was feeling shitty…I said nothing and stuffed those feelings away somewhere deep inside of me. What followed? Relapse.
I made a promise to myself to learn from my past relapse. I vowed to pay close attention to my personal relapse warning signs. So as I was sitting here, hating the day, an alarm went off in my head. Don’t keep these feelings in, don’t try to seem perfect on the outside, it’s ok to feel bad.
So here I am expressing my feelings for anyone and everyone to read. As fellow addicts and alcoholics you know how difficult this can be. I guess I’m always trying to find the best outlet to express my feelings and today this is it for me. There are just some things that my husband won’t understand…as much as he wants too. Having a real shitty day for pretty much no reason at all and having to drill it in my head that even though I feel bad I don’t need to use is one of those things that just isn’t easily understood by a non-addict.
Even now I can hear him saying “I just don’t get it, you know what would happen if you take drugs, why would you even think about it?”. Because I’m an addict…it’s what we do. What I can feel some comfort in is the fact that even though the thought has popped in my head periodically today that I would love to just buzz out, I know that I wouldn’t REALLY love it and it would just make everything go to shit.
I’m able to avoid relapse this time. I guess maybe I did learn a little something from last time. In the past I had talked about HALT – Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired and how taking care of these basic human needs is a big part of relapse prevention.
I know two of those needs that are not met in myself today. I’m definitely tired, had 4 hours sleep last night (I usually require at least 8). When I get tired I get hypersensitive which leads to more fights with my husband and having a short temper with my child. Those things then lead to me feeling bad about myself and my life. I’m also dieting so I’m ALWAYS hungry. It’s more a mental thing than a physical thing but still I know it is having some effect on me.
I’ll let you in on a little something…I am feeling somewhat better now that I have gotten some stuff off my chest. Sure I’m not skipping around whistling a tune but to truly take a look at what is making me upset somehow just makes it feel better. I’m also feeling pretty proud of myself for fighting off that old addictive thinking that wanted to creep it’s way back into my junky brain.
It’s still early afternoon in this crappy day…but tomorrow is a new day. If I can keep that in mind and just get through today I could possibly wake up in a good mood tomorrow!