Slowly I am becoming more and more comfortable with being sober in social settings. I have found it easier and easier to be myself in front of people and carry on real conversations where I actually listen to people instead of just waiting to talk. Then I had kind of a weird sober socializing setback.
I had attended a party a couple of weekends ago where my husband’s side of the family also was. The day was crappy and we were sitting outside under a tent in the pouring rain. That didn’t bother me any, I was still happy to be out of the house and around people.
I had written a post previously about having a slight case of social anxiety which I used to self medicate for with beer and drugs. Since I am no longer doing that, I just have to tough it out and wait for myself to become more comfortable in the situation.
With this particular party I saw people that I hadn’t seen in a very long time and it was nice to catch up. Because of this I was all over the place talking to this table and that table. I didn’t really spend much time sitting down at my family’s table. I didn’t think anything of it but my family thought I was acting kind of peculiar.
The following Monday my husband had informed me that my brother in-law had questioned him about my behavior at the party. He said that they had thought I was a little fidgety and that I was all over the place. He asked if I was ok and he also asked if I was on any kind of drugs. I was crushed.
My first reaction was to be embarrassed and that lead right away into anger. I’m not sure if that happens to any of you but for me embarrassment and anger go hand in hand. I immediately got mad at my husband. He kept trying to assure me that the reason they asked is because they care about me and are concerned. That didn’t really make me feel any better.
I started replaying the whole party in my mind. What did I do that made them think I was on drugs? Is it so odd to see me happy and having a good time? Where they watching me the whole time? I just felt very self conscious. It was a horrible feeling. It still is really.
Once I started to cool down a bit and explain myself to my husband he could see where I was coming from but also could understand his family’s concern. Prior to me admitting to everyone that I was addicted to Oxycontin they had known that something was wrong with me but had no idea what. Therefor no one had talked about it or mentioned anything to my husband, they just didn’t want that to happen again.
It is nice to have people care about you. With that said it is a crappy feeling to work so hard at being clean, getting over depression and social anxiety and back to what you think is your normal happy self just to have people watching you and commenting that you are acting weird.
That’s really the best that I can explain the feeling of this incident. As much as I don’t want this situation to have any effect on how I act at parties in the future I know that it will. My social anxiety is back to where it used to be. I’ll just have to work hard again at overcoming it without the use of drugs. I also need to let go of this situation so that past experiences don’t dictate my future ones. It sounds very easy doesn’t it?