Recently I stumbled while walking down my road of recovery…ok I relapsed. The end result to my relapse was me drinking but there were warning signs of relapse that I didn’t focus on.
I realized that I had been walking around in a pink cloud. The reason I realized that I had been doing that was because all of a sudden it was no longer going on. I was then filled with a case of the blahs.
My balloon had been popped and what was left was not pretty. I started to feel overwhelming dread at the thought of going through the rest of my life without being able to get high at least one more time. I felt like all of the positive thinking I had done in my very early recovery wasn’t a reflection of my true feelings toward sobriety. I felt like I was lying to myself when I say that I’m grateful for a clean and sober life.
These dreadful feelings went on for about 10 days. In those 10 days I started to isolate myself from anyone and everyone that would be able to help me through these feelings of uncertainty. That was my biggest mistake.
Isolation plays a huge part of addictive thinking. Once you start to isolate yourself you are headed for a relapse. When you no longer feel that there is anyone that would truly understand what you are going through and you don’t take the necessary action of reaching out to someone and asking for help…taking the first drink or drug is right around the corner.
I had written a post about the fact that I hadn’t been attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings. Even at the point of that post, which was just a few days ago, I didn’t think I would actually drink. I just thought I was kind of being lazy about my recovery and that I would all of a sudden get back into it if I put my mind to it.
Unfortunately the end result was me drinking. So I have gone over what my mistakes were and have realized that allowing myself to isolate was the beginning of my relapse. I have to force myself, no matter how uncomfortable it feels at first, to reach out for help when I am having moments of doubt. The times when I feel like I don’t need anyone else are the times that others are the most important. I have to remember that and more importantly I have to live by that.