What a Cliche… Lonely on Valentine’s Day

April 20, 2010 — 3 Comments

Separated from my husband and without my kid on the weekends can leave me with a lot of down time. I try and fill that time with something constructive like working. But this weekend I find myself with nothing but time.

Throw in the fact that yesterday was Valentine’s Day and that everyone I usually hang with has someone that they wanted to spend that Valentine’s Day with… I was feeling a little lonely.

Well if you’re feeling lonely you reach out to people right? Try to make connections? Well, I still have that little voice inside of me that tells me to do exactly the opposite. Hide, don’t let anyone know how you’re feeling, suck it up. Why do I do that?

Normally I can see that little voice for what it is and pretty much do the opposite of what it’s telling me. Yesterday I just didn’t have it in me. I hid and just waited for my loneliness to pass. Probably not the best way to handle things but it’s what I did.

I’m glad to say that I woke up today feeling a lot better about things. I was able to shake that “fuck it” attitude somehow while I was sleeping and am relieved to find myself feeling like myself again. Good thing cause I don’t know how I would have handled another day like yesterday.

I’m not sure when I became one of those people that needs to keep themselves busy OR ELSE… but that’s where I’m at. I guess maybe I’ve always been that way but I used to keep myself busy by staying fucked up. Hmmm… who knew.

So yes, as cliche as it sounds… I was lonely on Valentine’s Day. But Valentine’s Day is over now and so are my feelings of loneliness 🙂

3 responses to What a Cliche… Lonely on Valentine’s Day

  1. A big part of my recovery has been learning the difference between “isolating” and “needing solitude.” As much as I know that I need friends and a social life, I also get tired out very easily when I’m around people too much.

    The worst feeling is being alone and not wanting to be. Well, maybe not THE worst, but one of the less enjoyable anyway. Lately I’ve been trying to figure out how to enjoy being alone, rather than just tolerating it or getting through it by staying busy. I’ve been meditating and doing yoga, reading and writing…and sleeping (my favorite hobby, ha.)

    I figure that life gives us the lessons we need to learn, so if I’m finding myself alone a lot I can take a couple of things from that. One is, like you said, to reach out. The other is to make peace with it. The trick, as usual, is finding the right balance between the two.

  2. I find that there are times when I use isolation as an escape from reality. However, there are also times when I isolate in order to take care of myself. There is NEVER a time I want to isolate more then when I’m NOT isolating. Know what I mean? Apparently I need more practice at this whole reaching out thing.

    This weekend I told my 13 year old son, how proud I was at the way he reached out to friends. What I find particularly amazing is that my son seems unaffected when he reaches out and doesn’t receive anything in return. I, on the other hand, have used what I’ve perceived as rejection from others, as an excuse to let my addict play.

    My hope is that I can somehow look at life through my son’s filter. If I reach out to someone and they don’t reach back, I don’t need to make that situation about me and what a big loser I am.

  3. On off days my little night time ritual makes it worthwhile for me. When I hunker down in bed at night and pull up the covers, no matter how lonely I felt, how bad work went, or the fact the neighbors cat clawed mee…all of it goes away when I remember the one thing I did perfectly. I did not drink today. As long as I do that I have a shot at things looking up tomorrow.

    Bill U

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