People Watching:My Addictive Isolation
I have noticed a quality about myself that I absolutely hate. I have a tendency to pick people apart. It starts off innocently enough with people watching. I’ll be out somewhere just looking at people as they walk by. Then something in my head starts to judge these people. Maybe they have on some shoes I don’t like, maybe their hair is a color I would never color my hair or maybe I just think they are funny looking.
It doesn’t stop with just silent judging though. Sometimes those bad thoughts about others make it out of my mouth to whomever I’m sitting with. It then causes whomever I’m with to judge that person also. I used to enjoy this, I thought of it as a pass time.
What I have realized is that this is a form of isolation. I write someone off by judging their appearance and deciding that they don’t look like someone I would want to have anything to do with. That way I will never have to put myself out there and possibly face rejection. It is in no way a sign that I think I am so much better than any of these people because deep down I don’t. It’s kind of low self esteem if you really think about it.
I’ve noticed that it goes the other way also. I judge myself from how someone else looks. If I see someone with a nice car or they have on nice clothes I think that their life must be perfect. Because they have nice hair or a tan they must be really happy and very together. Then I start to feel bad about the state of my own life or how I look.
I myself am a perfect example that this is totally false. Towards the end of my drug use I would go to extra lengths to make myself look great before going out for the night. I would make sure my hair and makeup was perfect. I was going tanning to give myself a health glow. This however was the complete opposite of what I was feeling inside.
I don’t want to do this anymore. It makes me feel bad about myself. I have no right to judge anyone else. I have faults just like anyone else. My life isn’t perfect so why do I feel the need to comment on other people like that?
I already talked about acting as if. So what I’m trying to do now is act as if I don’t constantly judge people. I DO NOT under any circumstances say out loud the horrible things that I think about perfect strangers. I know that a lot of people have judgmental thoughts about others…it’s just a fact of life. So possibly there isn’t anything I can do about the initial thought that pops in my head but I certainly can change what I do with that thought.
This happens to be one thing on the very long list of things that I would like to work towards changing about myself. Ya, I need some work but I’m a lot better off today then I was just yesterday.
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November 9th, 2009 - 01:51
In the scheme of things, you seem to be beating yourself up about something that to a total outsider seems pretty trivial – but if you are sort of hating yourself (a big no no) about it, well it must be important to you. I sort of do the same thing – except I tend to jusge people on what they think there trying to look like or project. Does that make sense – oh no – look at that – a Richard Dawkins/Keef Richards/bouncer etc. clone. What a loophole. Never thought about it before – as you say I think I am passing time but it is more like wind. Of course I hvae no right to judge them really – harmless habit? If you are verbalising it (to strangers, not to freinds) may be a real worry? Ummm… I think everyone does it but then how would I know. It is a very interesting insight – come to think of hit, sometimes I HATE total strangers who I don’t know and will probably never know just based on my own self hatred. I think. You may be on to something here in terms of starting off negative thought patterns. Now you are really aware of it, maybe you can have fun with it, not stop it – i.e. Now, who is this 19 y.o. trying to look like? Diarise it if you can – may reveal a very funny trend! But don’t worry overly about it – for you sake.